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OMFGossip Girl Chuck + Blair 4 Eva!

Posted on May 19th, 2009 by annakjarzab

After yesterday’s post and today’s, everybody’s going to think I spend all my free time watching television, which wouldn’t be a 100% unreasonable assumption, except that I don’t have a cable hook-up in my apartment, or rabbit ears, so really I watch a lot of Internet-vision, which is totally different except it’s all the same shows, and anyway I watched Gossip Girl at Casa de CP* last night on a TV, so…this one-sided argument is really going nowhere, isn’t it?

Moving on! Obviously, I am beyond thrilled, pants-wettingly ecstatic about last night’s episode of GG. As always, the premise was great, the execution left something to be desired, narratively speaking.

The Premise: Gossip Girl, out of whose clutches everyone assumed they would be post-graduation, lobs one last solid punch at our principle players, branding:

  • Chuck a coward (true)
  • Blair a weakling (below the belt and unfair, because actually she’s pretty brave–a more accurate insult would be “delusional”, but it’s my suspicion that GG is just trying to push Chuck and Blair together by stirring up all their old emotional shit)
  • Dan “the ultimate insider” (?? later it’s explained and I guess it’s pretty true, in that Dan, a.k.a. Lonely Boy, is quite possibly the most insidery of all the Constance/St. Jude’s crew, as over the course of two school years he’s become BFFs with Nate and continues to have an on-again, off-again ill-fated bromance with Chuckles, dated Serena–thrice!–and dumped her twice, once for resident crazypants Georgina and once for a teacher, had the lead in the school play, and gotten into Yale, plus Rufus is going to marry Lily and they’re going to be the Bass der Humphreys, SO…)
  • Nate a whore (TRUE)
  • And possibly my favorite, told Serena she’s “now officially irrelevant”, which: AWESOME.

Naturally, nobody likes having their well-known and oft-discussed insecurities dragged out into the harsh light of a school they no longer go to, so Serena, who only hours previously had been so in love with the idea of escaping Gossip Girl’s all-seeing eye (and itchy trigger finger), decides to unmask her and end her reign of terror. But Gossip Girl, like everyone else on the show except Nate, is smarter than Serena, so instead what happens is that Gossip Girl outsmarts everyone and makes a pretty good point about the fact that they are Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl is them, that she couldn’t do what she does without their tips. She doesn’t bring them down, they bring each other down. Duh. Oh, and also GG is sticking around in college. Thank God–what would we do without her increasingly unintelligible puns?

Also, Jenny, in her goth finest, allows herself to be dragged into a competish for Queen Bee. Penelope, Iz, and Nelly Yuki–where’s Hazel?–decide to crown some bitchtastic “transfer” (as if) Queen Bee, unless Jenny can unearth the gossip to end all gossip. Nobody will talk to Jenny, so obviously nobody would tell her anything, but Jonathan (remember how Eric has a boyfriend, and is also a character on this show?) has hacked into GG’s server (if he’s smart enough to do that, he should be smart enough to figure out who she is, but whatever) and is having all her tips email forwarded to him, which, why? But anyway, Jenny gets her hands on a piece of hot goss–namely, that Blair hooked up with the jackbass (remember him?) at New Year’s. Okay, two things:

  1. No way did Blair hook up with the jackbass on New Year’s, I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE SHOW SAYS. She wouldn’t. She just WOULD NOT. So I reject this gossip on the basis of it being impossible, I don’t care what the show’s writers say.
  2. Who knew that to be true and sent it to Gossip Girl? I refuse to believe it was the jackbass because, um, adults do not care about Gossip Girl. If it was anyone else, either they would keep the gem for themselves until the time came to take Blair down a couple of pegs, or they wouldn’t do anything with it because they’re a good person. Maybe it was Vanessa?

It doesn’t matter, though, because Gossip Girl, irked by the hacking and the dramatic declaration of war from Serena, empties her clip on the recent grads at Nate Archibald’s party, whoopsing every single bit of gossip she has in her armory. Chuck finds out about Blair sleeping with the jackbass, Blair finds out about Chuck sleeping with Vanessa, and…some other stuff I don’t care about re: Dan, Jenny, Nate, Serena, etc. So Chuck, who was just about to say the magic words to Blair in the midst of seduction, instead clams up and uses what he just learned as an excuse to run away from her again. He’s Chuck Bass! Ah, sweet agony.

So, GG’s identity is the only secret on the Upper East Side at the moment. Everyone else has been exposed, but they also get to start college (at NYU, Columbia, or Rich Hobo Nothingness University like Chuck) with a clean slate. It’s her gift to them, and it is actually sort of awesome, like setting fire to the forest so the new shoots can grow up out of the ash or a phoenix or whatever. I’m a writer!

Also, Rufus and Lily get engaged. Gross.

The State of the Gossip Girl Nation:

  • Nate is joining Vanessa on her European backpacking trip, where they can be boring together at various churches and monuments.
  • Dan…something. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll spend the summer learning about New York City geography, because of how he seems to think he’ll be 3,000 miles away from his worthless father when in fact NYU and Dumbo (I mean “Williamsburg”) are about fifteen minutes away from each other via subway. Also, good thing he’s living in the dorms even though, as previously mentioned, the loft is close to school as is the Bass der Humphrey palace, because of how the Humphreys have so much money to throw around that he couldn’t afford to go to Yale.
  • Georgina is also going to NYU (under a false identity) and has requested to live with Blair. LIKE BLAIR WOULD EVER LIVE IN THE DORMS! Where would she store Dorota?
  • Serena…I was going to say “something”, but then I remembered that she’s actually going to Fiji with Carter Baizen (that couple actually makes a lot of sense to me, work on that for next season Gossip Girl), who has found her father per her request. Interesting! It took them two years to own up to the fact that Keith van der Woodsen is in fact a human who is alive that Serena is interested in finding. We know almost nothing about him, so this should be good. Also, Serena has Carter Baizen doing her familial espionage for her…LOL. We’ll see.
  • Rufus and Lily’s sekrit babeh has risen from the dead and is now lying to his parents about transfering to some school in Portland so he can stalk the Bass der Humphreys, particularly Dan, but when he finds out about Chuck he’s going to want to get on board with that.

And in the final scene of this wonderful, messy show that I will miss terribly until September, Chuck, who spent the week after graduation running around Europe, at first trying to escape Blair but finding her around every corner (not literally), leans against his limo holding an armful of gifts. Blair, who has just come from a minor victory, passing the bejeweled headband of Queen Bee-dom over to Jenny and leaving the mean girls behind for now, who is now just Blair Waldorft, amazing dresser and all-around lovable crazy person, no longer royalty, just Blair, sees him and stops tentatively. He tells her he had to come back for her, she says she wants to trust him but can’t because he’s hurt her too many times, and then he says it. HE SAYS IT, PEOPLE: “I love you, too.” I don’t ever think we’ve seen Blair or Chuck this genuinely happy, and I want to die from all the squeeing.

*That’s what I call the apartment my friends Cambria and Nikki share. Alternative: CP HQ.

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