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Liveblogging the Make It or Break It season premiere

Posted on March 29th, 2011 by annakjarzab

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My love for Make It or Break It is well documented, so I probably don’t need to explain how much I’ve been anticipating this premiere. I know it’s a cheesy little show, and apparently the gymnastics is ludicrous, but quite honestly I don’t know anything about gymnastics so I don’t care about that. I find MIOBI soooo entertaining, and I can’t possibly watch it without liveblogging my ridiculous thoughts about the premiere after the jump.

Previously on Make It or Break It: Lauren sent the video of Payson kissing Sasha to Ellen Beales, that awful National Team head coach/queen of nonsense, so Sasha has been suspended from the Rock and he’s taken off for parts unknown; Emily stole some pills for her bro who was on the brink of having a seizure and got carted off to jail while Damon and her mother Chloe stood helplessly by; and Kaylee, buckling under the pressure of being team captain and living up to her ridiculous parents’ ridiculous vicarious dreams, has been starving herself, causing even self-involved Austin is starting to worry, and she fell off the uneven bar at the Worlds trials.

Opening scene: Our four girls (Emily the wet blanket with the cute bf, Lauren the demon with the awesome hair, Payson my spirit animal, and Kaylee with her brand new shiny eating disorder) enter the Rock in the…middle of the night? At least, that’s what Kaylee expounds–they’re practicing “night and day” now that the Worlds competition is only “a matter of weeks” away. Way to fudge that, show. Obviously Emily’s no longer in jail–I’m sure we’ll get some back story about that later. Right now, Lauren pauses to appreciate the male physique in the form of Carter and Austin. I assume? Because even though they’re obviously practicing some very sick male gymnastics moves, the Rock is basically pitch black, which…why? I’m sure that the uber-wealthy parents who obsessively watch every practice from a soundproof glass-walled room (like that’s not creepy) can afford to turn on some lights.

Um…this took a real turn for the bizarre because the guys turn out to be vampires and this turns out to be some weird dream of Kaylee’s. We end up in a group therapy session in which a blonde lady dissects this dream while everyone else looks real bored. It’s totally possible we’re about to have an episode full of flashbacks, and I’m guessing that Kaylee is at some kind of treatment facility for her anorexia. Glad to see the title sequence hasn’t changed!

Back in the real world, Emily and Chloe are pulling up to the Rock and Chloe lectures Emily that yes, actually, she did steal something and it was her fault she went to jail, duh. It was a good cause, I’m not denying that, but choices are choices, Em–you could’ve just called an ambulance! They would’ve treated him! Anyway. Is Emily still going to Worlds after her ignominious experience at trials? Who knows! Not Emily. I can’t believe Ellen Beales hasn’t just kicked her off the team yet.

Payson’s cranky. She doesn’t want to go to practice, or the exhibition in Denver on Friday–thanks for the exposition, Payson! She’s still pissed off about Sasha being forced to leave, not without reason. Lauren is still living with Summer after leaving her dad’s house when she found out that her mother tried to reunite with her and he stopped her, then her mother died. Summer doesn’t get very far in convincing her she should move back home. Oh! And the girls don’t know Lauren was the one who sent the video of Sasha and Payson kissing to Ellen Beales. That should last five seconds.

Steve is looking for a replacement for Sasha and isn’t having much luck. He’s looking for Sasha, too, but can’t find him. Steve looks a little desperado. Summer and Kim think he sent the video to Ellen, but he says he “would never do such a thing”, which is a bold-faced lie, but whatevs, in this case he’s innocent. Sort of. He is still responsible for creating the moral horrorshow that is Lauren.

Back in the treatment center (Willow Glen) Kaylee’s having dinner with her therapy group and a different therapist (?) who interrogates her over said dinner about her “extreme lifestyle”. I feel sorry for the rest of these poor kids. They’re probably like, who is this girl and why do we only talk about her problems? Also, is it an effective therapy strategy to berate a young woman with disordered eating about said disordered eating over a meal with other people present? Kaylee is obviously defensive and I don’t blame her, but it looks like she’s on her way towards making a friend, a girl who used to “live on TicTacs and self-loathing” who advises her to “full surrender and admit that [she] belong[s] here.” Kaylee says that she is, but obviously doesn’t believe it.

Payson helps Emily with her floor routine and even she can’t do anything with that mess on her own, so she recruits Austin to help. Because he’s a god, he makes everything better. Payson’s basically taken over coaching the Rock. Cool. Emily introduces us to her probation officer, and we cut to a meeting with Em, Chloe, Summer, Kim, the prob off, and some guy from the gymnastics leage someone made up for this show who is NOT AMUSED. Everybody’s being cagey about how long Em’s probation period will last (“As long as it’s convenient for us!” –Make It or Break It writers), but they agree that Em should go to Denver for this exhibition. EXCEPT she has to wear an ankle bracelet, which will clash with the leo she’s planning to wear, so she’s obvs totes bummed. The probation officer: “Maybe you could wear pants?”

Side note: Where the hell is Damon?

Emily strides into the Rock wearing that ankle bracelet and everybody points and stares like grammar school children, even though, duh, they know she was arrested and is under probation, this is not a shock. Weird part? She’s wearing pants, but has chosen to roll them up so the bracelet shows. Is that a joke? LOL?

Whoa, WHOA, HOLD UP: WHAT IS THIS? Sara Rue and Barry Watson in a made-for-TV movie called My Future Boyfriend? Yes, yes, a thousand times, yes! Setting DVR immediately.

And we’re in Denver! Oh look, it’s our (other) favorite bitch on the block, Kelly Parker. And her hair is down! This is a miraculous occasion. Apparently even though the Denver Elite team sucks big time and has no girls on the national team, they’re still the featured team at this exhibition? Kelly blah blahs her usual blah, but doesn’t she realize that while she’s wondering “which of [their] spots on the national team [she]’ll take”, she’s basically admitting that she couldn’t get on the team by being the best (or even the seventh best!) and so she’s relying on a technicality to get her to the Olympics? Reach for the stars, Kell!

Emily, who I cannot believe has made it this far despite the fact that she is the whiniest whiner who ever whined and is constantly feeling defeated, is all, “I can’t do gymnastics with this ankle bracelet!” Shut up Emily. Austin strodes up with another smokin’ hot male gymnast by his side, some guy named Max. Oooh, he’s a Payson love interest! Lauren, of course, throws herself all over him, but he’s not interested, even though she hooks her arm through his and drags him off.

Finally the girls talk openly about Kaylee, asking themselves why they didn’t see how far things had gone with her eating disorder. Lauren is all, “Well I did, but that’s because I know her better than you because we’re best friends,” but Payson will not stand for it and is like, “Were best friends.” Interesting how they tell her that she doesn’t get points for knowing Kaylee was sick and not saying a word about it. Just as a bonus, Lauren tries to pin the Sasha/Payson video on Kaylee, saying that she probably sent it to Ellen Beales out of anger at Sasha about his insistence that she get help for her anorexia. Yeah right! How is it that anybody believes a thing Lauren says anymore? As soon as she said that, Payson, at the very least, should be like, “Oh, right, duh, it was you Lauren.” When in doubt, blame Lauren! Half the misunderstandings on this show would be avoided if everyone adhered to that maxim.

Kaylee approaches and they’re all excited and freaked out to see her. Oh, wait, I guess they’re at the treatment center? To visit her? That would make sense if the center was in Denver. Got it. Lauren, of course, makes light of Kaylee’s illness and talks about the center as if Kaylee’s on an extended spa vacation, at which she understandably balks. Kaylee asks about Austin, because she lurrrrrves him, even though she haaaaaaates him. The girls leave, and Kaylee pointedly doesn’t hug Lauren goodbye.

The girls end up at some kind of fancy event at which they are wearing dresses that are WAY TOO SHORT FOR THEM YOUNG LADIES! Kelly Parker is being an attention whore, so the Rock girls whore it up on their own for a cameraman who ends up being Max. Oh, neat, we find out that Nicki Russo, Payson’s last love interest, isn’t at the Denver Elite club anymore. No explanation as to why, but Max is trying to choose between the Rock and Denver Elite, even though obvs he’ll end up at the Rock. Oh, um, wait–Carter is at the Denver Elite club now? Really? I don’t remember that happening. It comes as a shock to our girls, too. Also, Kelly calls him “Car-Car”. Barf-barf. He says some gross stuff about the Denver club being the best (LIES) and walks off with Kelly.

OH. MY. GOD. A new series called Switched at Birth? Remember Switched at Birth the Lifetime movie? I loved that thing. Where the babies were switched and then one of the girls died and her parents then went after custody of the living girl, who was technically theirs even though she’d been raised by another family? Dramz.

Lauren is dancing with Max, but he’s just interested in Payson despite Lauren’s attempt to character assassinate her. Carter is grinding on Kelly and Lauren is grinding on Max and Max is so uncomfortable and Carter is being obnoxious in order to make Lauren jealous. The whole thing is super gross, let’s look away. Austin asks Emily to dance, and she mopes about how Damon is off in LA recording a record (yeah right–the least believable thing about this show is Damon’s rock star career, and I say this as a huge fan of Damon), and Emily rightly guesses that Austin misses Kaylee. Emily dumps all her problems on Austin, who tells her that she doesn’t have control over a whole lot, and she continues to bitch about how mad she is at herself and her mother for compromising her dream of Olympic gold. Austin gives her some tough love and points out that thing about the ambulence I mentioned above! Way to go, show. Emily gets snippy about it and walks off.

That dude from the National Gymnastics Organization shows up at the Kmetko house; Chloe is wearing just a flowy silk robe and is about to leave for work (bartending at a strip club, remember?). The guy is doing a home visit at 9 PM (not shady at all) to make sure Emily’s home life is up to snuff (news flash, Walter Cronkite–it’s not, duh, she was arrested) and Chloe lies about her employment, true to form. NGO Dude gives Chloe shit about the fact that Emily has a job and that she sleeps on a futon in the living room, saying “these girls are thoroughbreds and need to be treated that way.” This is by far the best scene of the episode. He’s telling her she’s doing a terrible job providing for her daughter (true) and she’s telling him that life’s tough, she’s got a special needs child and another child who’s at the top tier of a demanding an expensive sport and she’s doing the best that she can as a single mother, so get out of my house thank you very much. As she’s ejecting him from her apartment, NGO tells her that they both want what’s best for Emily. It sounds really sincere, but Chloe is still understandably upset.

Back at the party, Kelly teases Payson meanly about Sasha, and of course Payson is totally awesome and stands up for herself and for Sasha. But Kelly tells her that Sasha is in Denver, and Payson wants to go find him, even though Kim rightly points out that Kelly’s not trustworthy. Another good scene, as scenes between Kim and Payson always are. Kim tells Payson to accept that Sasha’s made his own choice and she should respect that, that there are other coaches, and Payson descends into an uncharacteristic spell of melodrama and stalks off.

Max comes over and takes a picture of Payson, who’s sitting by herself wallowing in misery (he’s a photographer, not a creep). Max on Lauren: “No.” Max tells her he’s been a Payson Keeler fan since he saw a video of her floor routine online–and he calls her beautiful! Oh, I love him.

So of course Kim’s gone looking for Sasha, because she’s awesome. She finds him in a gym, boxing. Okay…He’s going back to Romania. Kim says that’s it’s not like him to run away, and he says, “Well I didn’t think it was like me to coach girls into ambulances and jail cells, but there you are.” He’s feeling defeated, saying that he hurt the girls despite his very best efforts to help them. He’s sick of the extreme world they live in. He doesn’t even want Summer to know he’s still around. Good scene, show.

Uh oh, Lauren’s got ideas to “spice up” their routine, but Austin’s also got an idea and it involves leg warmers so that nobody sees Emily’s ankle bracelet. Austin’s a cool dude, y’all. It’s sort of weird how the end of this episode resembles the last few scenes of Bring It On, but OKAY. The Denver Elite performance is boring. Why don’t Emily’s leos ever fit? The Rock’s routine is also boring, but…better? Eh, who cares. Em’s leg warmer slips and everybody sees it, then she runs away because she’s such a coward it’s infuriating, and then Max starts performing to…distract everybody? Shut up, Max. You’re cool but shut up. Good to see Kelly’s insane head buns are back, though.

Oh, God, dumb Emily speech. She info dumps about her arrest and wants to “publicly acknowledge that [she] made a mistake.” Nobody cares, Em, but yeah, it’s nice that she’s taking responsibility for her actions. It earns her a hug from Austin. Ironically, Lauren learns something from all this, and decides to return home to her father, even if she can’t quite forgive him.

Austin visits Kaylee at the treatment center. It’s a little awk, but then Kaylee makes it worse by asking if he was serious when he said that he was falling for her. He says he was. She tells him she’s falling for him, too, but he tells her that they can’t be together because she’s in treatment and it’s not healthy for her. She willfully misinterprets his concern and kicks him out.

Chloe has put Emily in her room and moved her own stuff into the living room. Payson puts Sasha’s Olympic medals away in a drawer, signifying her moving on. Kaylee blows up at her roommate (Maeve?), who it turns out is a model who doesn’t buy any of this treatment stuff and is going to teach Kaylee how to pretend to be getting healthier so that they’ll let her out of rehab. Oh girl. This will not end well.

That’s it for this recap, ladies and gents! Maybe I’ll keep doing it if A. I remember and B. my laptop battery decides to last longer than forty-five minutes.

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