Maybe spectacularly to pieces is a bit of an exaggeration, but literally not a few days after my editor called to tell me she loves Tandem (cue huge sigh of relief here!), my roommate told me that she was moving to Atlanta. Then the monumental task of breaking my lease, finding a new apartment, and moving into that apartment lay before me. Moving in New York is basically an awful experience from soup to nuts. You really can’t start looking until about three weeks from the date you need to move in, and your options are…limited. Also, every one is a Shady McShaderson. Brokers are expensive and difficult to work with, apartments go in the blink of an eye, prices are high and apartments are tiny (you should see some of the places I looked at; the whole thing is absurd). I’ve done it twice before and it was a nightmare both times. I’m not looking forward to doing it again, and I’m feeling a little maddened by the enormity of the task.

So it’s been a little PANIC!! At the Disco in my headspace lately. At this point, the only thing keeping me moderately sane is the thought that Tandem, on which I have labored almost without ceasing for the last year and a half, is going to be a real book that you can read and hold in your hands by the fall of 2013!

Anyway, the good news is, it’s almost over. I move a week from Saturday, which is NOT A LOT OF TIME, but oh well. I’ve got an apartment now (a 5th floor walk-up, unfortch, but it’s a big studio with a great kitchen, close to many train lines including three express trains, and it’s alllllllll miiiiiiiiiine), the movers are hired, the super for my old apartment is showing my place to new potential renters, and it looks like it’s all going to be okay.

Below are some photos of my new place, if you’re interested. I’m sure those of you who live anywhere but New York are totally laughing right now at what I consider a “big studio”, but this is a town full of madness, and the real estate market is one of the best examples of that!

This one’s a bit fuzzy. That’s my broker in the upper left.

My new kitchen. It’s got a dishwasher and an actual fridge (you have no idea how many apartments I looked at with “efficiency” kitchens, aka mini-fridges).

Oh, God, in my head it looks so much bigger. Don’t worry, those are the only two windows in the entire apartment.

I’ve got another picture, but I don’t think you care to see the bathroom. I’ll take pictures after all my stuff is inside and arranged, so that you can see what it looks like when I’m all settled. As for now, trying not to freak out about how completely unpacked I am at this moment (like, I have NOT. PACKED. A. THING.) and telling myself it only looks small here because the pictures are tiny and from my iPhone. And that if it sucks and I hate it, it’s only for a year and then I’ll move to Brooklyn.

Seriously guys, New York sucks, don’t move here.

Anyway, hello there, faithful blog readers! I.e., Shannel, my darling college friend who dropped a comment on my last post just this morning saying that she missed my long, ridiculous ramblings on this here blog thing. What’s a blog, you say? It’s like Tumblr, but with less Hunger Games fan art. Well, you knew that, or you wouldn’t be here, I guess. THE POINT IS, some stuff has happened in these last few months, and I’d like to tell you about it. In great detail. With pictures to illustrate. Aren’t you excited?!?!

I guess the first piece of big news (which shows you how little I write in this blog nowadays, because this has been up on my Tumblr for months) is that The Opposite of Hallelujah has, in the order in which I received them:

• A cover
• A synopsis
• A pub date/pre-order link(s)

The Cover:

So, without further ado, here it is!

I don’t have a lot to say about this cover except that I think it’s really beautiful. I’ve heard a lot about authors struggling with their publishers to get covers they feel represent their work, but I’ve honestly never had that experience with Delacorte. They sent me the All Unquiet Things cover and I loved it, had no changes. They sent me this cover, and I loved it to. There were two versions, one with my name in lower case and the title in upper, which I also saw, but my editor and I both preferred the version above. (And, actually, they sent me a THIRD cover that was completely different, although my editor explained it was only for my reference, since she didn’t like it and didn’t want to use it. It was pretty, but I didn’t feel strongly about it. Maybe someday I’ll get to show it to you!) So, my cover experience has been pretty boring; I write the books, they make the covers, I love the covers, they use them, we’re done! Sorry it wasn’t a more exciting story, but it’s a lovely cover, so we all win.

The Synopsis (jacket flap copy):

Caro Mitchell considers herself an only child–and she likes it that way. After all, her much older sister, Hannah, left home eight years ago, and Caro barely remembers her. So when Caro’s parents drop the bombshell news that Hannah is returning to live with them, Caro feels as if an interloper is crashing her family. To her, Hannah’s a total stranger, someone who haunts their home with her meek and withdrawn presence, and who refuses to talk about her life and why she went away. Caro can’t understand why her parents cut Hannah so much slack, and why they’re not pushing for answers.

Unable to understand Hannah, Caro resorts to telling lies about her mysterious reappearance. But when those lies alienate her new boyfriend, friends, and put her on the outs with her parents, Caro seeks solace from an unexpected source. And as she unearths a clue from Hannah’s past–one that could save Hannah from the dark secret that possesses her–Caro begins to see her sister in a whole new light.

Pub date/Pre-order link:

Yay! Wasn’t that synopsis intriguing? So The Opposite of Hallelujah comes out on October 9, 2012, according to Amazon. You can pre-order the book at Amazon, or Barnes and Noble, or from your local bookseller via Indiebound.org.

I don’t have galleys* yet, but I’ll probably be getting them soon, although I’ll most likely get, you know, two of them. If I happen to get more, I’ll do a giveaway, promise! I’ll also let you know if the title ends up on NetGalley, if you’re of the sort who frequents NetGalley.

Other than that, I’ve just been working like a maniac at my day job and writing like a maniac at night and on weekends. I’m hoping to finish a new draft of my work in progress (Tandem, which I sold in a two-book deal to Delacorte last May or June or something) by late April. This will be the fifth draft. It is, by turns, incredibly fun and incredibly difficult to write, and it’s really teaching me the value of discipline, hard work, and perseverance. Ah, novels; making authors cray since the 15th century.

*Advanced copies of a book that are available in limited quantities for booksellers, media types, etc. about 6-8 months before on-sale.

ANYWAY. What have I been doing in my extended absence from this space? Well, first of all, my best friends got cats:

These two sweethearts are Barney and Marshall, and they belong to Cambria and Nikki. They are j’adorable and I love them, even though Barney’s kind of a jerk and Marshall has crippling social anxiety that makes him hard to snuggle (well, actually, it makes him hard to catch; once you’ve got him, he’s as snuggly as any kitty). It can be sort of hard to tell them apart because, as you can probably see in this picture, they’re practically identical; Marshall is just a little bit bigger, and also if one of them comes up to you, it’s Barney.

This little lady is Lily, and she belongs to Kim. She’s so tiny! Only a few months old. Actually, I think this picture was taken a few weeks ago, so she’s bigger now, but I just met her this weekend for the first time and I can attest that she is still very wee. I could pick her up and toss her around with one hand (The Boys are much bigger, as they’re older). Yes, this means that my best friends have three cats between them that are named for How I Met Your Mother characters. Well, Kim insists Lily was named after Lily Potter, but I like it better my way, except now I guess this means I have to get a cat and name it Ted. Teddy is sort of a sweet name for a cat, don’t you think? I’m not getting a cat, though (don’t worry Mom!). My roommate is allergic and I’m irresponsible.

Hm, what else? Well, I went to London for work and Paris for fun in October, so that was pretty awesome. Other than that, I’ve just been working working working like a maniac, and also trying to get through another draft of Tandem. It’s going okay. I’ve got to rip out a huge chunk of the manuscript to pick up the pace of the first half a little, and while I’m starting to get that, yes, that is the right move, I’m still sort of stressing about where all the material from that section is going to go, because I can’t just delete it wholesale–there’s a lot of important info in there! Sigh. I’m aiming for a January 3 deadline to turn the manuscript back in to Joanna, but we’ll see.

And that brings us up to now. Work is crazy, the holidays are creeping up faster than I would like to acknowledge them (I should really buy a plane ticket to CA), and The Opposite of Hallelujah copy edits loom. Speaking of OoH, I’ve seen a potential cover! Two, actually, but I don’t think the second one is really an option, and I preferred the first one, anyway. I wish I could show it to you, but I have no idea if it’s final yet; suffice it to say that I liked it A LOT and I hope it stays, but I’m also not getting too attached because you never know.

Also, I got new glasses:

(Side note: Wow, WordPress got fancy in my absence!)

So I mentioned editing my new book on Twitter last night and people started @ replying me, “Hey, you have a new book coming?” Which was weird to me because I felt like I announced that a while ago, but who cares about my announcements, right? I probably haven’t been talking about The Opposite of Hallelujah as much as I should. A lot of that is because we don’t have a cover yet, or jacket copy, or a set-in-stone pub date (lol, like pub dates are ever set in stone), or a pre-order link, or anything, really, that will convince you that it’s a real book that will be coming out eventually.

So here are some things that I know about the book:

• It will be called The Opposite of Hallelujah. This is not a title I’m 100% married to, but everybody else seems to like it, so it’s what we’re going with. I lifted it from a Jens Lekman song (also called “The Opposite of Hallelujah”), which is a very good song but also, if you were to read the book and then listen to the song, very appropriate thematically. Other titles for this book have included (but not been limited to!): Do Geese See God*, And So It Goes**, and Impossible Objects***.
• It will come out in Fall 2012. Probably October, but maybe not.
• It will be longer than All Unquiet Things, but FEEL shorter when you read it. At least, that’s been my experience.

And that’s it! Right now, if you’re curious, I’m in the middle of revising the book for my editor. This is almost entirely line edits, and mainly cutting. I mean it–I have erased entire scenes. I’ve been posting some cut passages on Tumblr, mostly Caro’s Tote Bags****. The book is just, at this point, too long (not unlike this blog post). It was 404 manuscript pages when I turned it in to my editor. All Unquiet Things, for comparison, was 313 manuscript pages; that ended up being 352 printed book pages (about 11% growth if my math is correct, which it probably isn’t). Books get longer when the paper isn’t 8.5×11 with very tiny margins. So a 404 pg manuscript would probably be about 450 pages typeset and bound. And that just feels too long. The book can be tightened, so I’m tightening it. I told my editor I could probably squeeze about 40 pages out of it, but right now I’m less than 100 pages from the end and I’ve only managed to cut around 20 pages. Obviously I’m going to have to go back and see what else I can chop.

Just to prove to you that I am indeed working on it, here is a blurry iPhone photo of my “workspace”:

Yup. That’s my bed.

*This is what I called this book all the way up until, like, 2009. I’ve been “working on it” intermittently since 2004, when I first got the idea for a book about a girl whose much older sister comes back home after being a nun for a while. “Do geese see God” is my third-favorite palindrome (after “A man, a plan, a canal–Panama” and, obviously, my own name), and I liked having the title of the book be a palindrome and the name of the main character’s sister (the nun)–Hannah–be a palindrome. So you can imagine how I laughed when I saw that #15 on Joelle Anthony’s list of 25 overused things in MG and YA fiction was “Main characters named Hannah and making a note of it being a palindrome.” Hannah is still the main character’s sister’s name (although I do not make a note of it being a palindrome–I don’t think), but Do Geese See God had to go for two reasons. First, it’s fine to call a WIP that, but once I decided I was going to publish it I knew that people probably weren’t going to be in to it. How is a sales rep supposed to sell in a book called Do Geese See God? They’re not. And secondly, it’s already the title of a Denzel Washington movie, so whatever.

**There was a time when the Kurt Vonnegut novel Slaughterhouse Five was going to be a call back throughout the book, for lots of thematic reasons, and “so it goes” is sort of a catchphrase that emerged from that book. Also, the Ingrid Michaelson song, “Soldier”, which I listened to a lot when I was writing this book, has the words “and so it goes” in the lyrics. However, I cut the Slaughterhouse Five references in favor of the much more relevant Escher motif that runs through the book, and thus the title made no sense. I wasn’t too attached to it, honestly.

***This would-be title emerges from the Escher motif, but my agent thought it sounded a little too much like Sharp Objects, the title of a Gillian Flynn novel. It also doesn’t tell you anything about the book; I mean, The Opposite of Hallelujah doesn’t necessarily tell you anything, either, but it’s more lovely and lyrical.

****”Caro’s Tote Bag” is a term I have coined to describe a passage that explains something incredibly minor in absurdly minute detail and in no way enriches the story. The original Caro’s Tote Bag was a paragraph in The Opposite of Hallelujah in which, I kid you not, my main character/narrator Caro spent an entire LONG paragraph explaining the fact that she carried her books to school in a tote bag that her mother, who works in marketing at a university press, brought back from a conference, but that Caro always carries it with the logo facing herself so nobody sees how lame the bag is. Alex, understandably, was like, “Maybe you could cut this?” I did cut it, but there are lots and lots of Caro’s Tote Bags in The Opposite of Hallelujah. There was a whole paragraph where she compares her relationship with her parents to American Gladiators. Now, I like an American Gladiators simile as much as the next person, but my editor, rightly, drew a big old slash through the whole paragraph. But I’ve immortalized it on Tumblr so that you can enjoy it. You’re welcome.

That’s all! I wish I had more news, and will probably in the near future, but for now I’m just waiting on notes (how much do you want to bet they come at the same time–when it rains it pours) and fooling around with this new manuscript and catching up on TV and researching for the continuation of the sci-fi series and generally bopping about New York doing weird things like speed dating (you don’t want to know).

Previously: Max told Payson he liked her, but then Lauren kissed him and he KISSED HER BACK THAT JERK! So I’m glad that Pay-Pay gave him the what’s-what about having to focus on her gymnastics and not get involved with anybody. Oh, and that’s it. Well, that’s enough.

Max and Payson are jogging (“yogging? I think it’s a soft ‘j’”) in some sort of wilderness and bantering. I won’t lie, it’s cute. A stray dog (?? okay…) comes up to them and they coo over him. The dog takes off and they chase her, but we don’t get to see where that leads, because we’re back at the Rock as Kim jumps out of her Saturn (or whatever, I don’t know cars) and sees that the Kelly Parker tour bus (not a euphemism) has pulled up. She approaches Kathy Najimy, who is Kelly Parker’s manager (and, spoiler, her mom) and is overseeing the hoisting of a Kelly Parker: World Champion banner over the door to the Rock. Kim puts the smack down on Mrs. Parker’s (actually, she’s got a different last name, but it’s hard to spell) renovations, and Sasha pulls up on his motorcycle. Sasha permits the banner, which makes Kim insane, but it looks like Sasha’s got something up his sleeve.

Our new golden couple (Max and Payson, I don’t fault you for not knowing who I’m talking about) chats about what they’re going to do with their new child puppy. Inside the Rock, Kelly is practicing while Kaylie and Lauren observe and bitch. Well, Lauren bitches and Kaylie pretends she doesn’t care. Lauren pretends she doesn’t mind Kelly’s crack about Carter, citing her new “official” status with Max (imagined) as the reason. Kaylie looks dubious, especially when Payson and Max walk in arm in arm, still chatting about that dog. Max loves that dog.

Sasha is going to have a mini-meet where Kaylie, Tessa and some extra compete for the last remaining spot on the World team. How this is even remotely legal, I have no idea. Apparently now that Sasha is Worlds coach he can do whatever the hell he pleases. The girls give Kaylie a pep talk as Kelly Parker gets a rather less supportive pep talk from her momager, who warns her that Sasha isn’t going to be impartial and Kelly’s already at a disadvantage because Kaylie beat her at Nationals, and you almost feel bad for Kelly. But then she decides to do some mental warfare on Kaylie and all that sympathy dissipates immediately.

Lauren gives Max the third degree about Payson; he insists they’re “just friends” and he’s “not sure” about what he and Lauren are. Max is sort of gross, still. Show, I want to get on board but you make it so hard! Kelly works on psyching Kaylie out and it looks like it’s working. Austin encourages Kaylie to shake it off and offers to help her practice, but she blows him off. Poor Austin. He tries so hard, unlike Max. Payson has fallen hard…for the dog. Lauren asks Payson if she thinks her largely absentee father is cheating on her mother, which is so weird it defies comprehension.

Erm, strip club? Oh, right, Chloe. She runs into Payson’s father, Mark. Awwwwkward. Next scene is Mark coming home to his family. Turns out Mark lost his job because his company went under. He’s interviewing, and “they wanted to finish the meeting” at the strip club, which he tells Kim straight out. He also tells Kim that Chloe is working at the strip club. Back at the Rock, Austin asks Sasha for his permission to work with Kaylie after hours. Austin mentions that he knows about Kaylie’s eating disorder and he has experience coaching someone (his sister) through one, so Sasha agrees to let Austin help her practice.

Payson sneaks out of her house to see Max, who’s brought the puppy. He had her groomed (she’s wearing an adorable little bow) and named her Phoebe. Okay, that’s cute. Max, I don’t know how to feel about you. The next day at the Rock, Kaylie and Austin argue about her training. She’s “tired of being treated like the tragic sick girl” and meanly brings up his sister AGAIN. Okay, Kaylie. Below the belt. Kelly, of course, swoops in and tries to go toe to toe with Austin, but he brushes her away like a fly–not before calling Tessa her “bootlicker”, though! Which is awesome. Lauren browbeats Steve about not setting a wedding date yet. Chloe comes into the Rock and Lauren and Steve argue about it. It turns out that she’s there to settle Emily’s Rock dues. Summer tells Chloe she’s not a bad mother and points out that Emily could give the baby up for adoption. Poor Chloe. She’s obviously devastated, but she does a super classy thing and wishes Summer and Steve tons of luck in their marriage.

Payson and Max narrowly avoid Lauren and head off to care for their puppy. Kaylie apologizes to Austin, and he points out to Kaylie that she doesn’t have to be strong on all the apparatuses in the mini-meet, just the vault, since that’s the void Emily left behind. It’s Kaylie’s weakest event, but Austin says he’s going to help her make it her strongest. Payson and Max are putting up signs in the park with Phoebe’s picture on them. Payson mentions that they’re just friends, and Max says–I kid you not–”Well some friends do come with benefits,” to which Payson deftly responds, “What, like a health plan?” He says he wants to be more than friends, and she pushes back again; he asks if it would bother her if he dated other girls, and she lies and says no.

Kaylie’s progressing on her vault work, but she’s not bad ass enough. He encourages her to bring it home with an increased difficulty level and asks Kaylie to let him in, let him help. “Something inside me wants the best for you,” he says. It’s so sweet. Who ever thought Austin would turn out to be the softie? Except he’s not that soft, because Austin’s allergic to dogs and won’t let Max keep him at their place (they live together? News to me). Payson’s going to take him home and beg the folks to let her keep Phoebe, but since Mark didn’t get that new job, they’ll probably say no. The Keeler’s are scared; how are they going to live in Boulder and support their kids’ gymanstics with him out of work?

Payson accidentally freaks Kaylie out by talking about how Tessa has a new skill on beam. Kaylie’s less and less certain about their “all vault, all the time” plan every passing second. Lauren sees Payson and Max conspiring over Phoebe and Kelly sees her chance to put some cracks into the foundation by making lewd comments about Carter. Lauren somehow interprets this as a reason to invite Max to play basketball? When he shows up to play with Lauren, she’s wearing a ridiculous basketball outfit. “Shirts or skins?” he asks her. GROSS I HATE YOU. Lauren opts for shirts and he takes his off, ignoring a call from Payson.

Lauren is, against all odds, a good basketball player? There’s a lot of sweating and touching in this scene. It’s hella yuck. They almost kiss, but Lauren stops him, insisting that he take her out on a date. Montage! Kaylie works on her new vault. She’s getting better, but Kelly and Tessa are there to undermine her. Kaylie betrays Austin’s secret vault plan to Payson, who disapproves, of course. The mini-meet begins.

Tessa kills on beam. Annie does nicely on vault (Annie is the other girl). Tessa kills on bars. Kaylie comes clean about not doing any apparatus except vault. Sasha feels betrayed by Austin, who insists that it’s not a surprise, it’s a strategy. Kaylie KILLS her vault. Kathy Najimy frowns as much as the Botox will allow. Sasha looks like he feels a little duped, but he gives the Worlds spot to Kaylie anyway. She thanks Austin and you can almost see the sparks.

Mama and Papa Keeler discuss Phoebe. It turns out that they had a dog once, McGinty, who died; they always promised the girls they’d replace McGinty but never did. Kim laments the fact that she and Mark are more afraid now than they ever have been. “Circumstances made us poor, but we’re choosing to be scared,” she says. Man, the Keelers. They decide to adopt Phoebe after all.

Kelly’s momager rages at her for allowing Kaylie to get the Worlds spot. They decide to tell the press about Kaylie’s anorexia, although Kelly points out that they can’t prove anything. Her momager puts everything on her shoulders, telling her that she failed, as Kaylie, having accidentally stumbled upon them, watches on. Kelly is devastated. Kathy Najimy drives off in the Kelly Parker bus without Kelly as her daughter cries. Kaylie comforts her, and Kelly reveals her soft underbelly–the pressure is getting to her. It’s real sad.

LOL. Max comes over to say goodbye to Phoebe, and Payson lays it on real thick about how the shelter is nearby, so maybe they will run into her new owners every once in a while. Then Max notices the bed Payson bought for her and Payson’s all, “PSYCHE! My parents are letting me keep her!” She’s adorable. Max is honest with Payson about his date with Lauren, and she looks put out, but, hey, she told him she didn’t want to go out. Looks like they’re just friends for now. Kaylie has Kelly over to her house for dinner, and Kelly thanks her for listening. She doesn’t have any friends, and Kaylie pointedly tells her that she doesn’t think she could do what she does (gymnastics) without her friends. The words seem to hit home with Kelly.  But when Kaylie leaves the room to set an extra place, Kelly goes through her stuff and finds the confession Kaylie wrote at the beginning of her recovery: My name is Kaylie Cruz and I’m anorexic. She takes the journal. Kelly, that’s not really proof, and also, your’e the worst.

Next week! WORLDS! The competition is fierce! And then my DVR cuts out. Oh well. Suspense!

First of all, if you’re not watching Parks and Recreation, you should be. I know the first season is rough, but the last season of the show (the third season) has been absolute perfection (season two is also good, especially the end, when we meet Ben and Chris). The thing about Parks and Rec is that it does what no TV show has been able to do in a long time–be funny without being cynical. It’s also got a kick-ass love story going on right now, which is the most important thing to me in all forms of narratives, because I am an ENORMOUS softie and romantic despite struggling desperately against such leanings, but there you go. Ben (Adam Scott, new to the cast at the end of season two, along with Rob Lowe) and Leslie (Amy Poehler) have been falling in love with each other for an entire season of the show now, but the writers have been so careful to restrain themselves. Ben and Leslie have a Mulder/Scully vibe about them–they’re coworkers and friends (actually, when Ben arrived in Pawnee they were sort of enemies, but their friendship has blossomed over the course of twenty-some episodes), and because of the fact that Ben is technically Leslie’s boss now (?? I don’t actually understand the reporting structure in the Pawnee Parks Department), they’re not allowed to date. But they still really like each other, to the point where neither of them is very interested in dating other people, and finally–FINALLY–at the end of the last episode, they kissed. How will this affect their working relationship? Will they date in secret? WHO KNOWS? Right now, it’s just awesome. Enjoy it, friends. Enjoy it.

People die in high school.

All of the time.

Recently I was having dinner with three of my friends, and one of them (my roommate) mentioned that a friend of a friend had recently died. My roommate’s birthday was several months ago, and she’d bought a pretty, blank notebook and brought it with her to the party for her friends to write notes in, since it was her 30th and she wanted a tangible reminder of that night. This friend of a friend had come to the party and wrote in the notebook and a few days ago she’d been going through the notebook looking for a gift card she remembered leaving in there and came across the friend of a friend’s note. This reminded me of going through my junior high school yearbook in which there is a note from my friend Rebecca, who died about a week after she wrote it, right before finals week. I was moving to California, and she wrote, “Don’t forget me!” I haven’t looked at the yearbook in a long time.

The conversation segued on to the (slightly morbid) topic of people we knew who died in high school, and everyone had a story to tell. Some had several. I couldn’t help thinking of my aunt, whose best friend died from illness when she was fifteen, or my brother, whose baseball teammate had died in a car accident when he was fifteen. One of my friends knew several girls in high school who lost their lives to violence. As common a trope as it is in YA, it’s actually more common in life. If you’ve listened to the exclusive interview on the All Unquiet Things audio book, I think (I recorded that a loooong time ago) I mentioned that about a year before AUT was published (way after I’d written the thing) I was doing some Googling around and found out that a murder not unlike Carly’s had happened in one of the very towns I mention in the novel. It was, of course, entirely coincidental and completely heartbreaking. But this stuff happens, every day in fact, which is why we write about it. That was very clearly driven home to me at dinner with my friends.

And the thing about teenage death is that, while it is never, ever easy to lose someone who is close to you, or even to tangentially experience the death of someone in your peer group, everything is heightened in high school. It all seems more immediate and intense and of-the-moment, because you’re so young and you’re so promising and you’re so alive. Not to quote myself, but allow me to quote myself:

“Murdered.” It was a ludicrous word; it didn’t make any sense when used to describe Carly. How could Carly be dead? She was so alive.

Poetry, I know. But anyway. That stuff sticks with you long after you’ve graduated, when your life is nothing like what it was in high school, when your life is not anything like you even imagined it might be in high school. When other memories have faded, or you feel like all those events happened to someone else whose memories were implanted in your head (this is how I feel all the time about my high school years, for no particular reason), you still remember your deepest losses and brushes with death. And they still come up, years later, over glasses of chilled wine on the patio of a tiny bar in Hell’s Kitchen.

I guess I don’t have a very clear point to close out this post, which is probably pretty frustrating to everyone who managed to read through to the end (but! if you did! you can use the comment tool now! so you can comment! if you want! no pressure!!!), but I’m just saying…death is not a cliche. Or maybe it is, maybe it’s the biggest cliche there is, but that doesn’t make it less scary or less mysterious and it certainly doesn’t make people less inclined to talk about it.

I think people who follow the publishing industry find “dead girl/boy books” exhausting because they (the people, not the books) are jaded; there are so many books, and they all get lumped into categories because that’s the easiest way to process them. And I’m not saying I’m not jaded. I’m totally, 100% jaded! But I also know that All Unquiet Things and, say, Thirteen Reasons Why and Before I Fall and If I Stay (to use some random examples that I can speak to because I’ve read them) are completely different books. They all happen to have a dead girl in them (or, in the case of If I Stay and Before I Fall, girls who are neither dead or alive but in some sort of ‘tween state which eventually resolves itself), but other than that they’re not at all alike. The writing styles are totally different–my voice and Jay Asher’s voice and Gayle Forman’s voice and Lauren Oliver’s voice are all distinct–the characters are different, the plots are different, etc. I think saying, oh, just another dead girl book, is a disservice to all of those stories, because they’re so much bigger than that. And furthermore, I think teens like them (no joke: Thirteen Reasons Why, Before I Fall, If I Stay–all HUGE bestsellers) because their themes are so relevant to the lives they’re living.

I, for one, am looking forward to more “dead girl” books, because I actually haven’t figured out how I feel about my own approaching death, or that of my loved ones (because obvs we all die eventually). Reading books and engaging with the ideas they contain is how I process my own fears and dreams and feelings. The work is not yet done. By anyone! I’m not just talking about YA fiction here. I just finished A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan (Pulitzer prize winner, current ladyfic lightning rod) which was ALL ABOUT death! (At least, I think it was. I’m not sure I totally plugged into Goon Squad and therefore may have slid over some of its Very Important I’m Sure themes.) There was even a dead girl (actually, he was a boy, but same diff in this context). Now I’m reading One Day and I’m pretty sure that one’s going to be all about death, too. All books are about death (talk about a cliche). Now I’m just spiraling away from my central point. End of post.

PREVIOUSLIES! Damon kissed Kaylie after telling her that she helped fix his writer’s block, which, first of all, LOL, but also, UGH DAMON I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE. Damon, who five minutes ago was in luv with Emily 4 lyfe, sees no problem with the kissing of her friend the recovering anorexic who is most definitely going through some capital-E Emotional Issues of her own, but Kaylie knows what it’s like to be cheated on, and with a good friend at that, so she confesses to Emily and promises she’s not going after Damon. But that doesn’t really matter because, unbeknownst to Kaylie, Emily was in a manic post-I’m-not-getting-an-abortion spiral and was packing her bags to move in with a stunned and not at all excited Damon; when she found out about the kiss between Kaylie and Damon, she got on the first bus to Las Vegas and it looks like nobody’s going after her. Rock on.

Kaylie’s super stressed out about returning to the Rock after Emily split because Kaylie whoopsed the beans about Damon. “This is all my fault,” she says, and Dr. Empathy, her shrink, is like, “What? That she had unprotected sex and got pregnant? Puh-lease girl. That’s someone’s fault, but it ain’t yours.” (Spoiler: Emily and Damon’s faults.) The Doc points out that she tried to act with integrity by telling Emily the truth (fact) and she’s not responsible for Emily’s choices (also fact). But Kaylie still feels shitty about it, which is only natural because she’s generally pretty cool, and she’s anxious because she realizes just how much she wants this gymnastics business.

Lauren and Payton cackle about the Rock being the number one gym in the country again. Why? Because Sasha is Worlds coach? I still don’t understand why A.) that even happened and B.) it was something they slipped in at the end of the last episode like, maybe if we have Kim announce this while the credits roll nobody will notice how improbable it is. Whatever. Anyway, Lauren is all into focusing on teamwork for about five secs before she notices Max from across the room and goes trotting over to him like a pony, her blond tail bobbing up and down like a buoy upon the ocean. Payson rolls her eyes as Austin approaches and without preamble demands to know if Emily is really pregnant. I think it’s sort of funny that Austin even knows who Emily is. Have they ever once spoken to each other? Payson denies Emily’s pregnancy and turns the spotlight on Kaylie’s return to the gym; Austin, easily distracted by shiny objects, says he supports Kaylie and goes off to oil his muscles or whatever Austin does to justify his presence at the Rock.

Kaylie returns to the gym and immediately asks about Emily; Payson tells her not to think about it. Instead, she should think about the awesome surprise bridal shower Lauren is throwing for Summer! Psyche, nobody cares except Lauren. It’s a bit early for a shower, is it not? They just got engaged the night before, I mean, if we’re following the timeline. Right? This is the day after Emily left? Or has time passed? Sometimes it’s hard to tell with this show. Speaking of Summer, she’s busy losing her mind around Sasha at every opportunity, manufacturing reasons to talk to him then panicking and babbling about nothing instead of doing what she wants to do, which is tell him that she’s engaged to Steve and beg him to talk her out of it by kissing her a lot in rapid succession. These two idiots being who they are, this will never take place. And UGH, Sasha says this when she tells him he deserves to be the Worlds coach: “Well, I’m not entirely sure I’m deserving of it, but I intend to be worthy of it.” Okay dude. We get it. You are a Stand Up Guy. You are Yoda. Stop it! You’re making it hard to believe you could ever be real.

Press conference! How is it that Kelly Parker always enters places to a bevy of flashing lightbulbs and people calling out her name, even when she’s just going into her own (new) gym? You think it’s just a manifestation of Lauren’s jealous subconscious? Anyway, Lauren calls her “Satan’s spawn”, which is pretty funny because obviously Lauren’s Satan’s spawn, but whatevs! Kelly’s brought another girl with her–Tessa. New character alert! I’m getting sick of new people, and this one has the same braided Mickey Mouse ear buns (is there a better way to describe them?) Kelly loves to sport. The girls spar verbally, and Kelly makes digs about Kaylie’s rehab for her “ACL tear” (read: eating disorder). Which is super fun until Sasha announces to the press that Kaylie won’t be competing at Worlds. Gulp. He’s running out of series regulars!

Kaylie’s not thrilled about being kicked off the World team, but Sasha’s all about playing it safe this time around. The other girls are going apoplectic about it, but Kaylie decides to let go and let God–er, Sasha. She trusts his judgment and will do what he says. “My recovery depends on accepting that I can’t always be objective about myself,” Kaylie tells them. Wow. She has learned stuff! Teach some of this awesome wisdom to Damon when next you see him, won’t you?

Kelly Parker gives Sasha the what’s what about how she’s a star and she’ll be team captain and she’ll be speaking for the team whenever there are interviews and oh btw you should put Tessa on the Worlds team kthanxbai. Sasha is all “O rly?” and tells her that none of that will be happening, shut up. So she takes a dig by reminding him that his leave of absence coincided awfully well with Emily’s fall from grace, which leaves him with something to think about, since though Sasha has many gifts he is not impervious to the manipulations of twelve-year-old girls with Mickey Mouse bun braids.

The boys practice. That’s right, they’re gymnasts, too! I forget sometimes. Max grills Austin about Payson, going on about how she runs hot and cold with him. Dude still doesn’t know she’s seen the half-naked pics of Lauren, but come on, meathead, figure it out! Payson’s not the type to dissolve into hysterics at every little thing. She’s the type to shut down when her vulnerability is compromised by sleazy losers, of which type you surely are one. Austin just says that Payson’s the kind of girl you actually have to try with, unlike Lauren. He advises that Max actually give Payson a reason to like him. Austin is quickly becoming the moral compass of this show, which, OMG, the ice rink in hell is finally open.

This next part sort of confuses me. Sasha gives a speech about how he’s going to choose who’s going to Worlds in Kaylie’s spot. Everybody’s competing for the spot, except “those of you who are already on the Worlds team”. Well, that’s Lauren AND Payson, is it not? So why do they have to audition? Payson balks at the list of compulsory moves Sasha hands them, but he’s not budging. He also holds Emily up as an example of someone who couldn’t focus or do things Sasha’s way, so she had to go. Wow, Sasha. Way to use Emily’s personal tragedy to scare the other girls into cooperating! He really is Eastern European.

Austin finds Kaylie outside. She’s bummed because she won’t be training with the other girls, and he’s come to comfort her. She doesn’t like it, but she’s going to do it Sasha’s way. Good idea. Lauren’s going full-bridal on Summer, who’s more than a little weirded out by the whole thing. You can always back out, Summer! “Where’s my ring?” Lauren asks when she sees Summer isn’t wearing her engagement ring. Lauren, stop being so creepy. Summer also doesn’t want a shower, so of course Lauren continues inviting people to that ill-advised shower Lauren is throwing her, even going so far as to move up the date of the shower for absolutely no reason.

Kaylie goes home to the recording studio and sees Damon’s there. Kaylie (rightly) reams him out for not being with Emily, and he tries to defend himself but ends up sounding like MORE of a douchebag, IF THAT IS EVEN POSSIBLE. Kaylie tells him that Emily left town because Kaylie told her about their kiss, even though it didn’t mean anything and–”Wait, it didn’t mean anything?” Damon interrupts. Excuse my gif, but:

That’s your sticking point here, dude? Your pregnant ex-girlfriend has run off and isn’t answering your calls and you’re upset because Kaylie’s not falling into your arms swooning after one stupid kiss? YOU ARE THE WORST! “You do want to know where she is, don’t you?” Kaylie asks. Damon doesn’t respond. Oh my God. I’ve never before felt so much blind hatred for a character I used to love.

Max joins Payson (uninvited) on her morning run. He claims it’s a coincidence, but she points out that she told him she runs that route at exactly that time every day. She’s calling you a stalker, Max. Payson gives him the brush off, telling him to feel free to date Lauren but leave her (Payson) out of it. Then she runs off, leaving Max aching with embarrassment and sadfaces in her dust. What a woman. Kaylie’s on the balance beam, and Sasha reams her out for practicing skills when he explicitly told her not to. Payson comes to her defense, and Sasha (rightly) tells her to bug off. I mean, I love you, Payson, but you’re not his wife, or anybody’s mom. You’re a gymnast just like everybody else. Stop butting in where you don’t belong. Summer and Kim discuss the engagement and Kim calls her on avoiding announcing the engagement so as to not have to talk to Sasha about it. Knowing Sasha, he’ll pretend not to care, so whatever.

Damon shows up at Casa de Kmetko and Chloe makes the mistake of letting him in. First of all, we finally find out how the hell old Damon is–nineteen. WHERE ARE HIS PARENTS? I’ve been asking this since we first met him. I’m sure we’ll never get an answer to that, but at least now we know his age. Okay, so Chloe makes some excellent points about the fact that her daughter is pregnant because dumb ass Damon didn’t use protection. “I feel terrible about that,” he says, and she’s all, SO GLAD ALL IS FORGIVEN PSYCHE I HATE YOU. He makes some pretty salient points about the fact that Emily has pushed and pulled him since the day that they met and the minute he stopped letting her jerk him around she started talking about how being teen parents was going to solve all their problems. Chloe points out that Emily has made her choice, without reference to Damon, and now it’s Damon’s turn to decide what he’s going to do. I actually want to cry. I think Damon is being a horrible asshole right now, because he is complicit in the awful mess of his relationship with Emily, but I also feel super bad for him and Chloe in this moment, and especially Emily, who regardless of how whiny and annoying she can be is basically young and good and lonely and afraid. I think it was a bad move to leave her mother (I know they had to have a reason for Chelsea Hobbs not to be around for a while because of her own childbearing situation, but still), because she needs Chloe right now. And she needs Damon, too.

Kelly berates Tessa for messing up her bars, and Kaylie is there to help the new girl, at which Payson looks on in…admiration? Oh, wait, she’s annoyed. Stop pushing her, Payson! Although, she makes a good point that Kaylie needs to trust herself. Then Damon shows up and Kelly Parker says what we’re all thinking: “Wow, what a tool.” She also throws a cherry bomb at Austin by implying that Damon knocked up Emily and now he’s going for Kaylie, which, as you might imagine, freaks Austin out. Why is Damon wearing a purple leather jacket? He thanks her “for everything” (what?) and for helping him believe in himself again. Then Austin punches him! Damon limps off and Kaylie rips into Austin for projecting all his sadfaces about his sister onto her and not letting her take care of her own problems. She then channels all this self-righteous aggression into blatantly disobeying Sasha’s orders not to practice.

Lauren, Kaylie and Payson have a Laguna Beach-type convo at a juice bar (?) and strategize about how Kaylie’s going to get her groove back (at the gym, at night, when Sasha’s not there; well, if Emily and Damon can do it, then these three brain trusts can probably pull it off). On the wall of the juice bar (still so many ??s) Lauren sees a photograph of Payson practicing gymnastics–it’s beautiful, and it’s Max’s, and it’s titled “The Real Deal.” Lauren giggles–shouldn’t she be upset by this? Training montage to Superchick’s “Cross the Line”! There is a Superchick song in every episode of this show. Make It or Break It keeps Superchick in business.

Max wants to know if Payson saw the photo, and she denies it, but then Lauren tells him Payson did but didn’t appreciate it. He’s back to square one with Ms. Keeler. Maybe he should just tell her that he really likes her and he regrets all that weird shit with Lauren because he’s not at all interested? That’s what I’d want to hear if I was Payson. Austin comes up to Kaylie and apologizes for the anorexic-sister-projecting he’s been doing. He promises to support her, and Payson proposes he come help them practice after hours. Tessa overhears this and tells Kelly, who tells Sasha under the guise of fearing for Kaylie, which is, of course, bullshit.

More midnight training. The three girls plus Austin and Max are there. Kaylie nails her beam compulsories. They take five for Kaylie to grab water and Max confronts Payson about lying about seeing the photo. Well, Max, here’s the thing; you took that photo without her knowledge and hung it on the wall of a restaurant without her permission and are apparently selling it (??), so I don’t think you’re in any position to make her feel bad about “lying about seeing it.” That’s not a thing. Sasha comes in before she can tell him off. He’s pissed, of course, and tells Kaylie no, she can’t have a chance to prove herself, but the boys stand in the way of him leaving and he agrees to “see one apparatus.” Kaylie chooses the bars and nails it, but Sasha’s not convinced that she’s emotionally ready for the pressure, so he still says no.

Casa de Keeler. Payson’s anxious about “losing Emily” and now “losing Kaylie”–she feels as though it’s her responsibility to help people to believe in themselves. That’s the coach in her. You’re awesome, Pay. But also this is a little misguided, as she can’t take on the burden of getting everybody to the Olympics, including herself. Kim and Payson giggle over the picture at the juice bar (SO MANY???S) until things get serious (as they often do around Payson) and she tells her mother that liking a boy and having sex–all that stuff means giving up on gymnastics, as evidenced by Emily. Kim puts the kibosh on that real quick, reminding her that she’s not Emily. Over in the less functional mother-daughter land, Lauren is choosing Summer’s wedding dress. And she also wants Summer to adopt her. Summer, who is dumb when it comes to Lauren, says yes, she’d love to adopt her. Good luck with your hell, Summer, esp. considering that you don’t even WANT to marry Steve!

Meanwhile, Sasha is consulting Kaylie’s psychiatrist. Is that even allowed? What about doctor-patient confidentiality? Turns out Doc Empathy asked Sasha to come, because he wants to convince Sasha to let Kaylie compete at Worlds. Really? I don’t think so, but okay. He counsels Sasha to ask himself whether he’s worried about Kaylie, or he’s punishing her (and thus himself), but Sasha refuses to be analyzed and walks out. At the gym, Kelly Parker reveals her villainry and blah blah blah…I find her very boring. Sasha’s bringing Kaylie to Worlds after all! What? Fine. Just forget the logic and go with it.

Payson walks out with Max and apologizes for nothing. “I know I’m pretty, blah blah blah. I just don’t know what you want,” Payson tells him. God I love her. He wants her to know that it’s HER he’s interested in, not Lauren, but if she doesn’t like him then it’s cool. Of course she likes him. She wouldn’t even be speaking to him if she didn’t, because Payson Keeler don’t suffer no fools. And because of that, she tells him that she can’t get wrapped up in someone else and put her gymnastics at risk. Max gets it, as he should because he is also an elite gymnast. He’s not just a dirty picture taker! EXCEPT THEN LAUREN KISSES HIM AND HE KISSES HER BACK I HATE YOU SO MUCH MAX ARGGGGHHHHH!

Last scene of the ep (long recap, no?). Summer comes to say goodbye to Sasha. He’s shirtless and doing pushups on the parallel bars. Who could concentrate? Not Summer. She tells him she’s engaged to Steve and of course he plays it like he doesn’t care. That’s not how you get the girl, Sasha! J/k, not the last scene. Summer comes home to Steve’s place and puts her engagement ring on. She walks into the living room to find her surprise bridal shower waiting for her. Wah. End of ep.

Next week: Kaylie fights to prove herself (don’t call it a comeback!). Lots of shocked gasps, etc.!

Other things that are new: the All Unquiet Things paperback! It went on sale today, and you can get it…well, you can definitely get it online in a bunch of places, but also I think at the chains? I’m not sure yet because I haven’t gone in to check, but you can probably get it at Barnes & Noble, Borders, Books a Million…basically any place that stocked the hardcover. And the paperback has a new cover! Okay, so it’s only slightly new. The photograph of Carly no longer wraps around, and it has a lovely blurb on the front from Nancy Werlin, New York Times bestselling author of Impossible!

Otherwise the cover is the same. I can personally attest that the paperback looks great in person. My editor sent me one, which I then stupidly mailed directly to my parents (where they can add it to what my siblings derisively call the “shrine to Anna” in their office, where two hardcovers plus the galley of AUT are on display) before taking a picture, so I guess you’ll just have to imagine what it looks like. It basically looks like a paperback, but with the above cover on it. When I get my author copies I’ll give some away on Goodreads, to spread the love a little.

Third new thing: the anti-Kindle policy at Yankee Stadium. I’m going to the Yankees v. Royals game tonight and my friend Nikki emailed this morning to warn me not to bring my Kindle–last time she went to a game, she saw a man and his daughter prevented from entering the stadium because she had her Kindle in her bag. What am I supposed to read on the train now? J/k, of course I always carry a real flesh and blood book with me, I’m not a robot! But I have a bunch of fun manuscripts for work on my Kindle that I was hoping to get a jump start on. Boo, hiss, Yankee Stadium! I think they’re just being ornery. I really cannot think of a single reason why they wouldn’t allow you to bring a Kindle into the stadium. It does less than an iPhone! It literally does only one thing. Mysteries.

For those of you who actually read my Make It or Break It recaps, I’ll have one for you today or tomorrow. I will say this about MIOBI–if that’s really how they’re going to leave Damon and Emily forever (not sure if Chelsea Hobbs is returning post-having her actual baby), they did a really terrible job of wrapping up that storyline, because at this moment I totally hate Damon after loving him for two seasons. I’m sure that’s not what they want, so I’m hoping the couple will be back.