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Posts Tagged ‘Gossip Girl’

Friday Night Lookalikes revisited

Posted on November 19th, 2010 by annakjarzab

Remember back in the day (July 28th, 2008 to be exact) when I pointed out that Leighton Meester (Gossip Girl) and Minka Kelly (Friday Night Lights) look so alike it’s almost ridiculous? Well, they’re starring in a movie together.

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So obviously Hollywood has been reading my blog.

Au revoir, l’enfant terrible

Posted on September 22nd, 2010 by annakjarzab

So it shouldn’t shock you that, once again, Gossip Girl decided to blow a great storyline in one tiny little episode. The Great Does Chuck Bass Really Have Amnesia? question was not even ASKED by the show! If I were running that thing, I’d’ve called into question his memory loss for at least one episode, if not two, before revealing that he was a Faker McFakerton faking his fake amnesia. UGH! YOU GUYS! STOP THAT! YOU ARE RUNNING OUT OF STORIES!

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Anyway. So I stopped watching this show for the non-Chuck/Blair storylines a long time ago, but this episode I couldn’t stand to see Dan’s face, so I literally fast forwarded through every scene that didn’t have one of my two little monsters in it. Which means I missed a lot of the episode–or, rather, didn’t miss. I did catch a few things. Like how Rufus is SO HULK SMASH about Georgina’s supposed faking of Milo’s paternity test that he, get this, refuses to go help his wife create a nursery for his GRANDSON, the SON of HIS SON who is a BABY and also LIVING IN THE LOFT THAT HE OWNS. As always, stellar parenting, Rufus! And Lilly sent her daughter, who is wearing an OMG ridiculous outfit (think drag queen linebacker from the mid-eighties), to go IDENTIFY THE DEAD BODY of HER STEPSON! And then Serena runs around town in that get up, teaming up with Inspectors Chevalier to help solve the mystery of the missing Basstard and his stolen sparkly jewel. This show is a parody of a parody of a parody of itself, you guys. WOOF.

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Other than that, Nate Serena Vanessa Dan something something blah blah blah. God, they are so boring. I did catch the end, where it turns out that when Dan and Nate actually think about it for a second, neither of them wants to date Serena! LOL.

I guess the scene in the gare with Blair and Chuck was sweet, in a way. And gorgeously shot, as is obvious from the screengrab above (courtesy of the youknowyouloveme peeps). Fleur Delacour is no match for Blair on a mission, so I can’t even be too concerned about Chuck dragging her back to the UES with him, even though, if Fleur and I were girl friends, I would call lying about your identity a dealbreaker. Blamo!

Still, this will always be the touchstone of this show:

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Can’t wait till they’re back in business. I mean, Bass-ness.

Paris, je t’aime

Posted on September 14th, 2010 by annakjarzab

OMFGossip Girl is back! Admittedly, I think I missed a few episodes at the end of last season–well, I definitely missed the *spoiler alert* season finale where Chuck got shot and Dan found out Georgina was pregnant with “his kid” (I really want it to be his kid, you guys; I just feel like that’s just more interesting than the usual “Georgina tricked us all again because WE ARE IDIOTS!” gambit) and Vanessa…went to…somewhere? And Jenny left the show for a long hiatus, which is awesome. And Nate was zzzzzzz…Nate’s so boring, you guys. Oh so pretty, but boring.

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Okay, so! Let’s break it down to its essential elements:

  • “Paris is burning, and Serena and Blair lit the match!” I’m so sure Parisians give a damn about Serena and Blair and their various mundane interests and romantic conquests. Also, if Kristin Bell’s French accent is that bad, why did they give her all those words to say? It’s just offensive. So while Serena’s dating every waiter, bartender, and guy on a Vespa in Paris, Blair is spending her days shopping, reading Collette in the park, and standing for hours in front of her favorite Monet waiting for Prince Charming to come sweep her off her feet. Which is why it’s so surprising when it happens! Except, this particular prince (of Monaco, I guess) wants nothing to do with aspiring Grace Kelly types (i.e., Blair Waldorf types), so he pretends he’s his own chauffeur while his driver acts as “the real royal.” As Cambria said, “I saw this Olsen twins movie.” Dumb! Of course, Blair gets found out in the end, mostly because, for the most deliberately and consistently dishonest person on the show, she’s not very cunning. Well, I guess that’s because Blair cannot for the life of her hide her feelings from anyone; she’s as open a book as it gets, which is why she’s always getting punk’d by her own badly formulated plots. But she always gets to wear hot dresses, which is pretty awesome.
  • Also, Blair’s still in love with Chuck, like we didn’t know that already. I’m surprised she would even admit it.
  • Oh, and because she’s the worst, Serena decides to chuck her already falling apart plans to go to Brown and to enroll at Columbia instead. Remember how Blair transferred to Columbia because NYU was too downtown for her and also going to college with Vanessa Abrams is a fate worse than death? Way to step all over Blair’s life plans, Serena! I’m with Blair on this one (I’m always with Blair). Why does Serena need to go to Columbia? There is no reason. It’s such a farce that she would even consider going to college anyway! Shut up, Serena.
  • Georgina had her baby! And it’s Dan’s. Ostensibly. Even though they had it like three months ago, Dan still hasn’t gotten around to having a paternity test done. Because he’s an IDIOT. Even all the other idiots in his life (Lilly, Rufus, Vanessa, Nate) are like, “HAVE YOU MET HER?” Of course Georgina crashes the weekly GG bash (some kind of cocktail party thing at Lilly’s apartment for no apparent reason except Eleanor is there so it’s about fashion?) and introduces everyone to little Milo, who is cute, I’ll grant that. And then he just BELIEVES HER when she gives him the paternity test that says he’s the dad? And then he BELIEVES THE DOCTOR? Get your own doctor, Dan! They can be bought! Of course, his dumb parents don’t think of this. They’re all like, “Okay, this piece of paper that could totally have been faked and this disembodied voice on the phone who could be a real doctor, or not, or a bought and paid for doctor, said the baby’s Dan’s? INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF!” Ugh. I mean, I understand that Rufus is too busy not giving a shit about Chuck possibly being dead or kidnapped to deal with his own son, and Lilly is obviously throwing a gala and putting the burden of figuring out what happened to Charles on Nate, who I guess has nothing better to do, so it’s impossible for them to dedicate anymore than five minutes to this “Is it possible that Dan is getting screwed by Georgina, the queen of screwing people for no reason?” problem, but you’d think Nate or Vanessa would push a little harder for an actual paternity test that Dan actually participated in voluntarily. I guess we’ll never know.
  • Because Georgina is gone! Duh. Of course she left. Whose kid do you think that is? As I said above, I really hope it is Dan’s. It would serve him right.
  • Nate and Serena are the same person. While she’s sleeping her way through Paris, he’s sleeping his way through Chuck’s little black book. Well, supposedly. He says that he is, but I think he’s just having these girls over to his house for pillow fights and Rock Band because he’s lonely and this is the only way anyone will pay attention to Nate Archibald these days. EXCEPT: it turns out someone’s been paying a little too much attention to him. That would be “Juliet”, a girl who Nate met cute with at some restaurant while he was hungover with a leggy blond bimbo in tow, but of course she’s a crazy stalker. Or Gossip Girl. This is what my friends think, but I don’t think she’s Gossip Girl–I think she’s just nuts and obsessed with Nate. She also seems to be a shoplifter (maybe?) and definitely a serial returner-of-clothes-after-reattaching-the-tags-with-one-of-those-tag-attacher-things. Quelle horreur! (See how well I speak French?)
  • And the piece de resistance: Chuck is dead. Just kidding! He’s not. Someone is, though. They found a dead body, shot and floating in the river in Prague, with Chuck’s wallet on him. But we know Chuck’s alive because he was rescued by Fleur Delacour? And taken to her home? Where she treated his GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE STOMACH with vodka and brooding stares? And now he thinks he’s someone named Henry and he’s in love with Fleur and has a limp and they’re moving back to Paris? All of this is so awesome. Except I think he’s faking the amnesia, which is fine with me, in fact it’s better. Because the Chuck Bass Problem has always been the Chuck Bass Persona, which casts a long dark shadow over the life of Charles and the man he wants to be. Of course he flashes back to all the rapey crap he tried to pull in the pilot while he’s feverishly recovering from his–let’s recall–GUNSHOT WOUND TO THE STOMACH (seriously, they don’t have hospitals in Prague, Fleur?), because it’s been haunting him this whole time. Every time he thinks he’s out from under it, every time he thinks he’s better than it and has escaped its clutches by loving Blair and forgiving her and being forgiven by her and raising the stakes and humbling himself and trying so hard to be the sort of man that HE, and not Bart Bass, can be proud of, he gets scared and reverts or he lets the jackbass get into his head or he doubts himself or he doubts Blair and suddenly he’s Chuck Bass again.

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So anyway, yeah, I think this is the last act of a desperate man. This is his chance to start over, to be someone else, to be this Henry character, whoever he is. He can be anybody. He can be a good man. He can love Fleur Delacour, who is sweet and pretty and low maintenance (I guess? We don’t know much about her, this could swing either way) and loves him, and even though she’s not Blair, if he doesn’t have to be Chuck then it might not matter. GOD, I love this show. Welcome back, Gossip Girl. XOXO

Right on time

Posted on July 12th, 2010 by annakjarzab

The options on Netflix Watch Instantly are getting better and better. For instance, you can watch all seasons of Doctor Who, which I’ve just started, post-Battlestar, on recommendation of Alex. I also watched this movie I’d never heard of, TiMER, which I randomly chose because of the premise. TiMER takes place in a near-future where science has developed a way to determine when you’ll meet your soul mate. In this world, you opt to get a timer on the inside of your wrist, and it counts down midnight the day you’ll first lock eyes with that special someone–so, some people have them, and some people don’t.

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The protagonist of TiMER is Oona, played by Emma Caulfield, who Buffy fans will recognize as the demon Anya, Xander’s lady love. Oona is, as most female protagonists of romantic comedies tend to be, a type-A woman in her late twenties trying to find that special someone. Oona lives and dies by the idea of the timer, but hers hasn’t started counting down, which means that her One doesn’t have a timer of his own. Her step-sister/best friend, Steph, has a timer, too–one that tells her she won’t meet her One until she’s 43. Bummer. So Steph is filling her soul-mate-less days with meaningless one night stands, and Oona is freakazoiding out about her blank timer, to the point where she drags every man she dates into the store to get a timer implanted, in the hopes that both their timers will “zero out” and she’ll have found her match.

I’m totally into this idea. I was having a conversation with my friend Kim recently, and I actually said, “I would freak out about being single way less if I knew when I was going to meet the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. Even if the answer was ten years from now, I could just let it go and concentrate on my own life without worrying.” Apparently not, if Steph is any indication. The film asks: Is knowing better than not knowing?

While Oona is losing her mind over not knowing, she meets Mikey, a way younger man who’s a grocery store clerk by day, musician by night. Mikey is infatuated with Oona, but Oona, being all prim and proper and a slave to the timer, takes one look at his, sees that he’s only got four months to go, and rejects the idea of dating him out of hand. Until her fourteen-year-old brother, Jesse, gets his timer implanted–and sees that he’s only got three days to go until he meets the love of his life. So Oona, sick of living her life by the whims of the timers, decides to date Mikey, who is all wrong for her, while Steph tries to engineer a meeting between Oona and this timerless guy she (Steph) met at her job.

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I don’t want to spoil it for you, but I will recommend the movie. The friendship between Oona and Steph is really lovely, and so is the love story between Oona and Mikey, even as it’s not entirely predictable. Watching the movie was strange, because I kept recognizing all the actors but not knowing how I recognized them. Turns out, the guy who plays Mikey is the same guy who played Aaron Rose in Gossip Girl. I KNOW! HE IS TOTALLY GROSS IN GOSSIP GIRL! But apparently that was just the character (and the haircut), not the actor, because he’s sort of sweet and adorable in this movie. There’s, weirdly, another actor from Gossip Girl in TiMER–the guy who plays Jack Bass, Chuck’s evil uncle. He also plays Quinn in Dexter; I’d never made that connection before. He’s less of a jerk in TiMER than he is in either of those other two shows, but also less interesting. So you get what you pay for, I guess.

I also watched Anastasia today. I haven’t seen that movie in such a long time. It’s so good! I’d forgotten. Guess what I hadn’t forgotten? All the words to all the songs.

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Ramble ramble ramble

Posted on August 16th, 2009 by annakjarzab

I know! Where have I been this week? Oh boy, you don’t even want to know. So this post is just going to be a quasi-coherent ramble about almost nothing. Lucky readers!

So first of all, I’ve been writing. I have quite a few pages done in my family drama, over 100 now, which is nice, and I think I know where it’s headed. In fact, maybe I should plot out the second half of the book so that I can just follow along with that and it would get done quicker. Sigh, you know that I won’t. But that’s going well, and I think when it’s done I can really focus on GR, which needs my full, undivided attention to really work well and get somewhere. It’s going to be a long, dark fall.

Also, let me tell you about a couple of Tenner books I read this week. I’ve been so in love with the quality of the Tenner books I’ve read so far–I can be quite critical, but I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how wonderful these books are. For instance, Suzanne Young’s The Naughty List. SO! AWESOME! I’ve been describing it to people as Bring it On meets Clueless meets Veronica Mars. The main character has a very unique voice, and she’s just so fun. Plus, I could not figure out where Suz was going to take the story. I knew what I wanted to happen, but I just couldn’t be sure if that was going to happen or not. I was kind of right. At least, my suspicions about a certain character were proven correct in the end–I never trusted this person, and I was right not to! That was a relief. I loved The Naughty List, and I’m excited for the sequel.

I also read Jennifer Hubbard’s The Secret Year. It was exactly the kind of book I like, exactly the sort of narrator I love and get invested in, and you’ll see why in January. It’s a slim novel, but it’s emotional and affective and poignant. I think people will really like it. Now I’m reading Brightly Woven; I couldn’t wait till I got the ARC through the Tenner tour, so Alex and I agreed to swap ARCs at dinner last night. I started reading on the train ride home and stayed up till 4 AM reading. I’m a third of the way in and love it so far. Alex and I had a long talk about a lot of things last night, but one of the things we talked about was how we don’t like empty or “perfect” characters–we’d much rather write characters who have moods, who make poor decisions based on their own convictions, who can be difficult and a pain in the ass at times.

We just think that when you get to know and love a character like that, it’s so much more rewarding. In one way or another, all of my MCs have what my mother would call “a bad attitude” about something. Sometimes you get it, because they’ve been through something traumatic or been betrayed or lost their sense of self, but sometimes (I’d say one out of every two MCs I write is like this) it’s just because they’re regular people, and regular people are sometimes spoiled or snobby or bratty. It doesn’t make them bad, it just makes them human. And I think that’s interesting. What’s more interesting is charting their progress, through a series of events, from spoiled/bratty/snobby to much more enlightened, understanding, empathetic people. That’s what most of my books are about, at the core of it–learning how to see people for who they really are, and loving them for it.

Just as a side-note, let me introduce you to my new computer background:

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Yeeeeeeah! Who’s excited for the return of Gossip Girl? That’d be me, for defs.

So yeah, okay, I’ve been writing this week and reading this week and working this week. That’s pretty much it. Oh, and hanging out with my friends. Did I tell you guys my friend Kim is moving to New York? Long Island, really, to work at a university out there, but that’s so close! I don’t know how I got so lucky, having my three best friends in the world all live in New York. I keep thinking that I’ll wake up and be in my bedroom at my parents’ house, working at Thomson, with all my friends in SoCal and only my parents and dog for company. These past few years have been such an incredible whirlwind of good and bad, and I’m finally beginning to think it’s not going to disappear if I close my eyes.

Grist for the Gossip Girl mill, these outfits

Posted on May 23rd, 2009 by annakjarzab

Ladies, let’s talk.

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You look ridiculous.

Even you, Waldorf. You’re still by far my favorite, but what is that you’re wearing? It looks like a Special Agent Dana Scully cast-off from seasons one or two–season two! THAT’S HOW BAD IT IS–but sans pants. I can’t decide whether or not it would be worse if I found out you were wearing *gag* formal shorts underneath it. And those shoes, let’s face it, could kill someone. There is a reason why stilettos take their name from a type of dagger–a stabbing weapon, says Wikipedia. Your hair looks cute, though.

Abrams, let’s not front–you’re orange. And your hair looks like a badly kempt weave. Your dress is sorta cute, and so are your shoes, but your eyes are not focusing properly and we all know what that means! Dipping into Chuck Bass’ stash? You and Lily van der Woodsen Bart soon-to-be-Humphrey *barf* both. Shut it down. Set an example for little Jenny Humphrey.

Oh, wait, too late. Let’s review, Little J. Your hair is absurd, and has been for almost an entire season now. That is a mullet. I don’t care what you think it is, it is a mullet pure and simple–there is some business in the front and some party in the back, but it’s not a fun party.  Also, I did not know they made leather pajama bottoms with footsies. I see you cut the front part off of the footsies so that you could wear some pretty boring shoes. Good call. (Terrible call.) I know you’re going for the partially-dead, aloof look here, but mostly you look like a bitch. Wipe that snarl off your face. I don’t even know where to start with that shirt. Perhaps I’ll mention that it’s see-through? Okay, it’s see-through. And partially unbuttoned. And sort of off-kilter. And your black bra is showing. And a rosary is not jewelry. Have I covered everything? Oh, that shade of lipstick washes you out so much. Please stop wearing it ASAP.

SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN. A jumper? A JUMPER WITH SHORTS? I know you’re fashion-forward and have–how do I say this without being rude?–an eclectic style, but come on! The only thing I endorse about your outfit is the color. I love blue. At first I thought you’d gone barefoot, which would make sense considering you’re channeling your five-year-old self with that JUMPER, but no. Those are shoes the color of your skin. Whoops! Next time, turn the light on in the closet. Also, your hair looks cute, but it looks like you’re about to fall over drunk, and I, being Mother Superior, strongly diaspprove of imbibing before photo ops. Remember the term “drunk face” (college vocab word) and avoid it at all costs.

OMFGossip Girl Chuck + Blair 4 Eva!

Posted on May 19th, 2009 by annakjarzab

After yesterday’s post and today’s, everybody’s going to think I spend all my free time watching television, which wouldn’t be a 100% unreasonable assumption, except that I don’t have a cable hook-up in my apartment, or rabbit ears, so really I watch a lot of Internet-vision, which is totally different except it’s all the same shows, and anyway I watched Gossip Girl at Casa de CP* last night on a TV, so…this one-sided argument is really going nowhere, isn’t it?

Moving on! Obviously, I am beyond thrilled, pants-wettingly ecstatic about last night’s episode of GG. As always, the premise was great, the execution left something to be desired, narratively speaking.

The Premise: Gossip Girl, out of whose clutches everyone assumed they would be post-graduation, lobs one last solid punch at our principle players, branding:

  • Chuck a coward (true)
  • Blair a weakling (below the belt and unfair, because actually she’s pretty brave–a more accurate insult would be “delusional”, but it’s my suspicion that GG is just trying to push Chuck and Blair together by stirring up all their old emotional shit)
  • Dan “the ultimate insider” (?? later it’s explained and I guess it’s pretty true, in that Dan, a.k.a. Lonely Boy, is quite possibly the most insidery of all the Constance/St. Jude’s crew, as over the course of two school years he’s become BFFs with Nate and continues to have an on-again, off-again ill-fated bromance with Chuckles, dated Serena–thrice!–and dumped her twice, once for resident crazypants Georgina and once for a teacher, had the lead in the school play, and gotten into Yale, plus Rufus is going to marry Lily and they’re going to be the Bass der Humphreys, SO…)
  • Nate a whore (TRUE)
  • And possibly my favorite, told Serena she’s “now officially irrelevant”, which: AWESOME.

Naturally, nobody likes having their well-known and oft-discussed insecurities dragged out into the harsh light of a school they no longer go to, so Serena, who only hours previously had been so in love with the idea of escaping Gossip Girl’s all-seeing eye (and itchy trigger finger), decides to unmask her and end her reign of terror. But Gossip Girl, like everyone else on the show except Nate, is smarter than Serena, so instead what happens is that Gossip Girl outsmarts everyone and makes a pretty good point about the fact that they are Gossip Girl, Gossip Girl is them, that she couldn’t do what she does without their tips. She doesn’t bring them down, they bring each other down. Duh. Oh, and also GG is sticking around in college. Thank God–what would we do without her increasingly unintelligible puns?

Also, Jenny, in her goth finest, allows herself to be dragged into a competish for Queen Bee. Penelope, Iz, and Nelly Yuki–where’s Hazel?–decide to crown some bitchtastic “transfer” (as if) Queen Bee, unless Jenny can unearth the gossip to end all gossip. Nobody will talk to Jenny, so obviously nobody would tell her anything, but Jonathan (remember how Eric has a boyfriend, and is also a character on this show?) has hacked into GG’s server (if he’s smart enough to do that, he should be smart enough to figure out who she is, but whatever) and is having all her tips email forwarded to him, which, why? But anyway, Jenny gets her hands on a piece of hot goss–namely, that Blair hooked up with the jackbass (remember him?) at New Year’s. Okay, two things:

  1. No way did Blair hook up with the jackbass on New Year’s, I DO NOT CARE WHAT THE SHOW SAYS. She wouldn’t. She just WOULD NOT. So I reject this gossip on the basis of it being impossible, I don’t care what the show’s writers say.
  2. Who knew that to be true and sent it to Gossip Girl? I refuse to believe it was the jackbass because, um, adults do not care about Gossip Girl. If it was anyone else, either they would keep the gem for themselves until the time came to take Blair down a couple of pegs, or they wouldn’t do anything with it because they’re a good person. Maybe it was Vanessa?

It doesn’t matter, though, because Gossip Girl, irked by the hacking and the dramatic declaration of war from Serena, empties her clip on the recent grads at Nate Archibald’s party, whoopsing every single bit of gossip she has in her armory. Chuck finds out about Blair sleeping with the jackbass, Blair finds out about Chuck sleeping with Vanessa, and…some other stuff I don’t care about re: Dan, Jenny, Nate, Serena, etc. So Chuck, who was just about to say the magic words to Blair in the midst of seduction, instead clams up and uses what he just learned as an excuse to run away from her again. He’s Chuck Bass! Ah, sweet agony.

So, GG’s identity is the only secret on the Upper East Side at the moment. Everyone else has been exposed, but they also get to start college (at NYU, Columbia, or Rich Hobo Nothingness University like Chuck) with a clean slate. It’s her gift to them, and it is actually sort of awesome, like setting fire to the forest so the new shoots can grow up out of the ash or a phoenix or whatever. I’m a writer!

Also, Rufus and Lily get engaged. Gross.

The State of the Gossip Girl Nation:

  • Nate is joining Vanessa on her European backpacking trip, where they can be boring together at various churches and monuments.
  • Dan…something. I don’t know. Maybe he’ll spend the summer learning about New York City geography, because of how he seems to think he’ll be 3,000 miles away from his worthless father when in fact NYU and Dumbo (I mean “Williamsburg”) are about fifteen minutes away from each other via subway. Also, good thing he’s living in the dorms even though, as previously mentioned, the loft is close to school as is the Bass der Humphrey palace, because of how the Humphreys have so much money to throw around that he couldn’t afford to go to Yale.
  • Georgina is also going to NYU (under a false identity) and has requested to live with Blair. LIKE BLAIR WOULD EVER LIVE IN THE DORMS! Where would she store Dorota?
  • Serena…I was going to say “something”, but then I remembered that she’s actually going to Fiji with Carter Baizen (that couple actually makes a lot of sense to me, work on that for next season Gossip Girl), who has found her father per her request. Interesting! It took them two years to own up to the fact that Keith van der Woodsen is in fact a human who is alive that Serena is interested in finding. We know almost nothing about him, so this should be good. Also, Serena has Carter Baizen doing her familial espionage for her…LOL. We’ll see.
  • Rufus and Lily’s sekrit babeh has risen from the dead and is now lying to his parents about transfering to some school in Portland so he can stalk the Bass der Humphreys, particularly Dan, but when he finds out about Chuck he’s going to want to get on board with that.

And in the final scene of this wonderful, messy show that I will miss terribly until September, Chuck, who spent the week after graduation running around Europe, at first trying to escape Blair but finding her around every corner (not literally), leans against his limo holding an armful of gifts. Blair, who has just come from a minor victory, passing the bejeweled headband of Queen Bee-dom over to Jenny and leaving the mean girls behind for now, who is now just Blair Waldorft, amazing dresser and all-around lovable crazy person, no longer royalty, just Blair, sees him and stops tentatively. He tells her he had to come back for her, she says she wants to trust him but can’t because he’s hurt her too many times, and then he says it. HE SAYS IT, PEOPLE: “I love you, too.” I don’t ever think we’ve seen Blair or Chuck this genuinely happy, and I want to die from all the squeeing.

*That’s what I call the apartment my friends Cambria and Nikki share. Alternative: CP HQ.

It’s business time

Posted on February 26th, 2009 by annakjarzab

  • First of all, this, JIC you didn’t catch the reference. I’m not the world’s biggest Flight of the Conchords fan, but this is pretty funny. Also, “Jenny”.
  • Second of all, I have a new post up at The A Team. Go read it!
  • Third of all, sorry my posts have been kind of lame (although very informational, right?) this week–like I said over at The A Team, I’m in the midst of revising AUT according to a deeply line-edited manuscript I picked up from my editor last week. As a result, I spend all day staring at a computer screen at my day job, then I go home, eat dinner, and spend two or three more hours staring at a computer screen, typing in changes and threatening to kill Microsoft Word’s track changes feature. So, I’m tired and cranky and headachey. But I’m over halfway done, so hopefully I’ll finish this weekend. Next stop for AUT after that: copy edits.
  • Fourth of all, I’m 9,176 days old today according to this handy calculator which I found via fellow Tenner Irene Latham. Fun fact!
  • Fifth of all, I gave up Diet Coke for Lent. This will not go well.
  • Sixth of all, my friend Eric is taking me to IKEA this weekend so I can get a damn bookshelf, which I badly need because, as I told my mom a couple of days ago, all the books in my room are a hazard to my health. I’m pretty sure someday one of the huge stacks I have will topple over and smother me to death. Also, I need a new dresser, because the bottoms are falling out of the drawers in my current dirt cheap IKEA model. Sigh.
  • Seventh of all, I’ve been watching a lot of 30 Rock while I work and before bed and so have had two dreams about Liz Lemon recently. In one of them, she and Pete Hornberger were buying a house in my friend Kim’s parents’ neighborhood.
  • Eighth of all, Gossip Girl has been renewed for another season! This is such good news! I call for rejoicing in the streets! All men should wear ascots and purple velvet jackets in honor of this truly momentous occasion!

GOSSIP GIRL

“Why do you wear so much purple?”

Posted on January 14th, 2009 by annakjarzab

Before I get to my thoughtsicles on Monday night’s Gossip Girl episode, I have a link for you. Apparently, yesterday (my boyfriend) Ed Westwick was on The View with Chace Crawford, his roommate/bestie for life. DID YOU KNOW THAT ED WESTWICK IS BRITISH?!?!?! OMFG! The British! They’re so wily with their ability to hide their accents and play AMERICANS CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!

Barbara Walters has clearly lost her mind. Accents aren’t heads; you don’t need really ridiculous surgical intervention to change them. This isn’t Face/Off. Although you can’t blame her, I guess, since she’s been completely incapable of talking like a normal resident of this country or any other for her entire career. “Talk American.” That’s not even proper English, Babs! And you, the pretty one with the hair, what is it like living with an ACTUAL BRITISH PERSON in the UNITED STATES OF DUHMERICA? “Well, now I say ‘rubbish’ for ‘garbage’! Can you believe it?” Same with Whoopi. They’re both clearly insane.

Oy. ANYWAY. Let me get this straight–I’m supposed to care about the Bass der Humphrey secret 90s love child, correctsicles? So why is it so hard to care? Oh, that’s right, because Rufus and Lily are completely dismal parents who have managed to totally ignore and abandon their own children separately for nigh on eighteen years now, so obviously I should want them to find another kid to punish with passive-aggressive mostly disinterested parental posturing. Okay then! So they’re in Boston, together this time, because Rufus couldn’t find the kid on his teeny tiny map last time and Lily needs to get away and dry her tear about Bart’s death on some 1500 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets in a four-star hotel because she doesn’t ALREADY LIVE IN ONE OR ANYTHING and it’s not like they’re reading her late husband’s will in New York, which her grieving stepson Charles is having to face on his own.

normal_060“Why do you wear so much purple?”

OH BUT WAIT. He’s not alone! He’s got Blair (FTW) and the jackbass (massive FAIL). Excuse me but is the jackbass really just allowed to be Chuck’s guardian? Wouldn’t Lily, being his stepmother, have first crack at that? Has Lily even met the jackbass yet? Where was she when Chuck was almost falling off of buildings? So many questions, but only one answer: Lily pretty much sucks. Still, not that I think she needs yet another child to not care very much about right now, but at least she doesn’t want to bilk Chuck out of the family fortune/controlling interest in Bass Industries. Because that’s what the jackbass wants. Like we didn’t already know that, show. He’s obvs bad news bears. He doesn’t need to dramatically proclaim “That rat bastard!” or whatever he says when Chuck gets 51% of BI and thus becomes the king of all the vague arsony business his father’s company purportedly does.

Let me explain why this makes no sense, even for Gossip Girl: 1. If Chuck needs a legal guardian, he’s still a minor. 2. You can’t inherit anything when you’re a minor, I KNOW I CHECKED. Not a billion dollars, and not a company for heaven’s sake. Blah blah blah trustcakes about Chuck’s dolla billz, but you still can’t inherit controlling interest in a company. Also, here’s a thought: it is completely implausible that Bart would’ve written his letter to Chuck unless he foresaw his death or faked it. If the answer is that he faked it, awesome. If it’s that the writing is sloppy, fail. That is dumb. He would not have written this ridiculous letter. And also isn’t it interesting that Lily inherited no money and neither did her two children? Bart wanted them to be a “family”, as far as that word ever gets you on this show. Doesn’t that mean they get a cut of the funds if he kicks it? Oh, right, I forget that the bonds of family on this show are at best plot-driven and at worst totally imaginary. My b!

Here’s another question: why do people trust the jackbass even though he’s not even trying to cover up the fact that he’s a snake? Chuck and Blair won’t fully trust themselves or each other or any single other person in their lives, but with him they’re all “Sure, be my legal guardian!”, “It makes total sense that you should want me to go out and drink champagne in a limo with some hos!”, “Yeah, of course I’ll set up a secret brunch for Chuck! I’m so certain this is not a trap of some sort!”, “Fine, I’ll take these olds up to Chuck’s new chamber of secrets where I have no idea what he’s doing!”, etc. Er…disconnect! Okay, I get why Chuck trusts him–because Chuck thinks the jackbass is him, a creepshow womanizer who winks at people like Nate Archibald for no good reason. But why does Blair trust him? And why is she not worried about the jackbass whoopsing their BIG NEW YEAR’S SHOCKING EVE to Chuck? She’s so “Let’s not” when the jackbass threatens to tell Chuck what “happened”. So…really? I’m still supposed to believe they hooked up? Denied.

normal_143Looks like a really good idea!

I’m telling you, Blair made the right choice dumping Chuck’s ass. I’m as big a Bluck fan as the next person, but there has got to be a limit to the lengths that you’ll go for people before your heart is in so many pieces it’s impossible to put it back together again. The wife comment is more than insulting, it’s true. Blair is everybody’s wife. She’s Serena’s wife and Dan’s wife and Jenny’s wife and her mother’s wife and absolutely Chuck’s wife. She’s also their mothers, because of course none of them have good ones to speak of. Blair’s ultimate tragedy is that as much as she thinks she’s motivated by her own self-interest, she’s best when she’s somebody’s partner and they’re accomplishing something together. Earth to Chuck: She’s not playing wife, she is your wife. Insofar as “wife” is a devoted female partner. And I understand Chuck’s inability to keep his nastiness in check when he’s backed into a corner, and how he’s the type of person who lashes out a the last good thing in his life, and how he can’t see how important you are until he watches the light die in your eyes because of something he’s said or done. But how long can you go on punishing yourself for loving someone? Blair made the right choice.

normal_200Not enough.

Freefall

Posted on January 7th, 2009 by Anna Jarzab

As always, I was a day behind in my Gossip Girl watching, due to the not having television in my apartment and having to watch online, and as always, I have a few thoughtsicles.

First of all, two words: Opium den.

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(In my search for a screencap of that scene, I came upon this blog, and now I have three fake boyfriends: Ed Westwick, and the two guys who write I Am Chuck Bass.)

But back to the drugs of yore. Opium den? Only Chuck Bass would be capable of finding one of those things. That scene with him in a kimono is so priceless. Anyway! “Jack Bass” is a nice play on “jackass.” Also, the actor is kind of hilarious in an I-wish-they’d-give-him-more-screen-time kind of a way. I loved the part where they’re in Headmistress Queller’s office and Jack is like, “Well he’s in the principal’s office and both parents being dead–sorry Chuck…” (like, “sorry for bringing it up” not “sorry they’re dead”, which is also hilarious) and Chuck just cocks a finger gun at him and goes, “No problem,” all high-like. Obviously, Uncle Jack is, like, the world’s most horrible influence, what with getting drunk at his own nephew’s party and then almost whoopsing him right off the edge of the building with his foghorn voice, but that’s what makes this show so fun!

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Explain to me why, though Constance Billard and St. Jude’s are supposed to be two different schools, the students walk the same halls, take the same classes, and have the same headmistress? That sounds like just one school to me, and fancying that up with two names is beyond ridiculous. Also, have you ever noticed that they’re never in class? Not only that they skip school all the time with no repercussions, but also that there are no scenes ever filmed in a classroom. Yet more evidence for my personal theory that Gossip Girl isn’t about teenagers, it’s about human beings at any age.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9T8nhkvPuuA]

Now, there were many choice Bluck scenes in “In the Realm of the Basses”, but probs my favorite was the one at Victrola. One of Chuck’s most interesting qualities is his insistence on saying the world’s meanest thing to the person he loves instead of expressing his real feelings, which are actually exactly the opposite. Now, saying “Is that it? Or are you going to tell me you love me again?” is particularly cruel because he knows that not only did his rejection totally crush her like it would any girl but also that, Blair being Blair, she’s been obsessing about it and wishing she hadn’t said it ever since he left, because her pride is the most important thing to her and he shattered it by not saying the words back to her when she knew he felt them.

One of Chuck’s worst qualities when it comes to Blair is that he’s always testing her. This is another one of those tests. “I love you so much it could kill me if you leave me,” is what he’s really saying, “so show me how much you love me by staying with me no matter what I say or do to you.” And she does, because Blair is constant. The fix’d foot, as John Donne would say. That’s her best, best quality. She’s the opposite of a fairweather friend–she’s only there for you if you really need her. And Chuck always really needs her. That’s just his nature. He always needs, because he was never nurtured.

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Whatever. So! My favorite Blair scene this week is the one where she comes home to get ready for the Colony Club meeting (what a bullshit storyline, right?) and she sits down in front of the mirror and she starts to dry sob, but she doesn’t cry, she abruptly stops and gathers herself and straightens her shoulders and heads back out into the world. I love that scene because that is exactly what I would do. I would want to cry, I would start to sob, but what I would really want to do is scream and the tears wouldn’t come out because I would be too anguished and so I would push it all down deep and get my head back in the game. I see a lot of myself in Blair; maybe that’s why I love her so much.

I won’t even justify the Colony Club scene or any of the Jenny Humphrey stuff with thoughtsicles, because you already know my opinion of Penelope and that’s all I would talk about re: the stupid Pinkberry-set Little J/Mean Girls storyline this week. Nice to see Eric finally grew out his highlights, though. In fact, just nice to see Eric.

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See? There he is.

Back in the realm of the Humphrey-Woodsens, Rufus abandoned the kids he’s (ostensibly) raising during Christmas and New Year’s and stuck them with their horrible mother for the entire holiday so that he could canvas Boston (why Boston? I though Lilly had the Secret Love Child in France?) looking for the kid he didn’t know about until the day before Christmas hiatus. What a tool. And of course, because his only resource is a ridiculous tourist’s map to Boston adoption agencies, he finds nothing. Dan finds that map, though, which makes him go “Hm.” But of course, despite being a total hot mess, Chuck still has to be the one to spell it all out for him, even though he has better things to do like teeter on the edge of the rooftop/sanity and drink whiskey straight from the bottle and nuzzle with Blair once she finally proves to him how much she cares about him (oh, I’m getting there). HOW DO YOU NOT FIGURE THIS OUT, DAN/SERENA? I knew there was a Humphrey-Woodsen love child last season, because it was so damn likely! Yeah, so, as always, the Humphrey-Woodsens are totally snoozeville. No wonder Eric wants so badly to be a Bass.

Let’s catch up with Bluck, shall we? After breaking the bad news about the Humphrey-Woodsen baby to the current heir to the Humphrey throne, and also telling Eric it was nice having him for a brother (either Chuck doesn’t understand anything or he doesn’t believe in anything, either way it’s so sad), Chuck goes up on the roof to sing some song I don’t recognize about “Spanish ladies” (??) and drink booze and possibly die. Blair, of course, knows that’s where he’s gone and the jackbass follows her up there where he almost startles Chuck off the edge like an “IDIOT!” which is what Blair yells at him. Then Chuck proceeds to talk like the Bug in Men in Black (“Well I went to the pardy…”) and scream about how his daddy never wanted him (valid criticism, Bart practically admitted that himself, although it was because Chuck reminds him of Chuck’s mother and it’s painful, not because he just doesn’t love him, WHICH CHUCK SHOULD REMEMBER, but all Chuck remembers is what Bart said to him right before he died, which is that he always screws everything up) and how he’s Chuck Bass and how nobody cares. And then Blair gets all squinty and tells him that she cares, that she’ll always be there, that she doesn’t want him to go away. And she passes the test! Chuck gets down off the edge, apologizes to her, and nuzzles into her neck like a little puppy. It’s so cute! Let’s watch it.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlCXQ0XP-h0]

Aw. Best scene since the awkward/awesome hug last episode. Then the show had to go and ack a fool by pretending the jackbass and Blair did something untoward on New Year’s that Chuck can never know about. Okay, most people are freaking out because that might mean that the jackbass and Blair hooked up. To this I say: Nay. Even with the promo from next week–you know how manipulative those things are. I think they made some kind of evil deal re: Chuck. I can’t think of what that might be because I don’t actually know the jackbass. We’ll just wait and find out. I honestly don’t think Blair would sleep with the jackbass. Blair isn’t like Chuck; she doesn’t look for comfort in physical intimacy when she’s feeling broken–duh, that’s where all her food issues come from. One could argue that she looked for comfort in physical intimacy with Chuck after the whole Nate debacle, but again, to that I say: Nay. Without the Nate Archibald albatross around her neck, she was finally free to give into her chemistry with Chuck. Also, free to take off her clothes in Victrola. Yay freedom. Yay getting rid of Nate Archibald!

Speaking of that guy, where was he this week? Not by Chuck’s side, that’s where! Probs making out with Vanessa (also suspiciously absent this week) in the Brooklyn. Good riddance.

Bluck dramz + Bluck love + ridiculous new character + no Vanessa or Nate + Pinkberry product placement =

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Completely Dorota-fied.

(Screencaps from blairandchuck.com and gossipgirlonline.com)